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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.”

“I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.”

Years Two Humor Millions Years Ago Economics Dollars Investing Debt Two Years Cents Million Dollars Golden Age Two Years Ago Gilded Age Mutual Trust

Book:The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-day

Source: The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-day

“In spite of conflicting signals - and in spite of a popular culture that sometimes puts down their innocence - most of our kids are good kids. Large numbers do volunteer work. Nearly all believe in God, and most practice their faith. Teen pregnancy and violence are actually going down. Across America, under a program called True Love Waits, nearly a million teens have pledged themselves to abstain from sex until marriage.”

“And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad.”

Knows Littles Helping Humor School Religious Millions Baby Bears Mad Court Burden Gods Will Innocent Throwing Squares Court System

Author:Jerry Falwell

“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

Way Years Kind Littles Humor Kids Funny Hurt Millions Baby Let Me Refuse Idiot Cute My Sister Adorable Newborn

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

People Thinking Knows Should Two Shows Humor Might Funny Next Watches Millions Hell Late Stores Comedian Having Fun Introduction Letterman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"”

Ifs Humor Funny Guy Found Millions Dollars Charity Smallest Pie Pizza Million Dollars Donate

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.”

Men Humor Funny Three Millions Cost Six Dollars Million Dollars

Author:Frank Carson

“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.”

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla

“Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!”

Humor Eye Funny Lasts Millions Cutting Bird Tiny Tricks Temples Hitting Pie Last Time Flew Cutters

Author:Noel Fielding