“If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.” IfsHumorFunnyMinesFake Author:Pablo Picasso
“A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"” SaidHumorFunnyMinesBrotherGirlfriendMatesTwinsMoustacheShagging Author:Billy Connolly
“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."” WellsStoriesHumorFunnyGuyLandMinesArmsLegsSnowTeethBottlesWhiskeyTaffy Author:Dave Attell
“Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.” I CanHumorFunnyFantasyMinesKicksThroatJessica Author:Dave Attell
“I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.” PeopleWorldYearsHumorFunnyLevelsRoomsComedyMinesSevenFootballerScottish Author:Frankie Boyle
“This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.” HumorFunnyMotherFatherMinesTerribleUpbringingPrams Author:Chic Murray