“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.” HumorFunnyGuyFunMorningLaughingBedGirlfriendMonkeysCatchingOther GuysKickingCaloriesYour GirlfriendMidget Author:Dave Attell
“You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"” ThinkingHumorFunnyGuyMagicLandButtonsMonkeysSandwichesTrays Author:Dylan Moran
“North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.” CountryHumorFunnyMonkeysKoreaWizardsNorth Korea Author:Lewis Black
“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.” HumorFunnyCoursesStuffAnimalWeekTvsFineCoupleWineHearingComicReliefAwardsWarfareOlympicsMonkeysDocumentariesScottishLodgesComic ReliefDundee Author:Frankie Boyle
“Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.” HumorFunnyWelcomeMonkeysCheekyWelcome Back Author:Craig Ferguson
“I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.” HumorFunnyUsedFeetLuckToesMonkeysRabbitsCamelsPaws Author:Kristen Schaal