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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“In spite of conflicting signals - and in spite of a popular culture that sometimes puts down their innocence - most of our kids are good kids. Large numbers do volunteer work. Nearly all believe in God, and most practice their faith. Teen pregnancy and violence are actually going down. Across America, under a program called True Love Waits, nearly a million teens have pledged themselves to abstain from sex until marriage.”

“A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him.”

People Humor Evil Religious Numbers Doubt Wise Blind Demon Deaf Plague Malice Fever Large Numbers Crippled Blind People

Author:Martin Luther

“In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.”

Country Humor Spirit Evil Religious Numbers Particular Devil Infinite Resorts Prussia Evil Spirits

Book:The Life of Luther Written by Himself

Source: The Life of Luther Written by Himself

“Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other eight.”

Humor Funny Joy Reading Sex Numbers Eight Retirement Retiring Wild And Free Top 10 Number 2

Author:Ernie J Zelinski

“I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.”

World Real Humor Would Be Funny Numbers Real World Application Mtv

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.”

Knows Writing Humor Funny Numbers Dad Letters My Dad Communicate Letter Writing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

I Can Humor Funny Lasts Numbers Pay Four Credit Cards Thanks Twelve Assistance Credit Card Guessing Receipts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"”

Humor Funny Girl Sound Numbers Fronts Mets Zero Desks Front Desk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."”

People Knows Two Real Enough Humor Funny Moving Next Asks Easy Answers Numbers Presses Phones Next Time Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

Humor Funny Girl Numbers Mets Actresses This Girl

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."”

Needs Real Humor Funny Numbers Four Lucky Seven Billions Gambling Dice Handy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

Knows Men Want I Can Use Humor Funny Enjoy Numbers Company Calling Letters Phones Brands Hello Brand New Did You Know Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.”

Humor Funny Interesting Numbers Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.”

Humor Funny Numbers Baseball Giants Warming Up

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.”

Country States Humor Funny Values Numbers Terrible Rate Boring Pounds Unemployment Anthem National Anthem Unemployment Rate

Author:Billy Connolly

“You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.”

Knows Giving Humor Funny Used Numbers Products Lucky Give Me Sorry Selling Lucky You Ikea

Author:Milton Jones

“Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.”

Ifs Trying Wells Humor Funny Numbers Figures Seven Sorry Nine Call Me I'm Sorry Hello

Author:Katt Williams

“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"”

Knows Humor Funny Names Numbers Know How Yeah Idiot Mates Accents Irish Accent

Author:Noel Fielding