“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.” NeedsStillsHumorJobsOrderHousePayCarNormalClothesEmptyDrivingTrafficGetting Dressed Author:Ellen Goodman
“We waited for Congress to act. They couldn't act on the issue. So I just went ahead and signed an executive order which will unleash - [applause] - which says the federal agencies will not discriminate against faith-based programs. They ought to welcome the armies of compassion as opposed to turning them away.” HumorPoliticalOrderCompassionIssuesOughtProgramArmyCongressWelcomeAgencyExecutivesApplausePolitical HumorFaith BasedExecutive Orders Author:George W. Bush
“There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And - but first things first. The - these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework - the groundwork - not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the - all right.” PeopleKnowsFirstsEndsHumorPoliticalOrderProcessMiddleLaysResponseEastTerroristMiddle EastFrameworkPolitical HumorGroundworkFirst Things First Author:George W. Bush
“If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders.” IfsHumorCarePoliticalOrderPresidentRoomsEmergenciesPolitical HumorGagsEmergency Room Author:George W. Bush
“Well, that's going to be up to the pundits and the people to make up their mind. I'll tell you what is a president for him, for example, talking about my record in the state of Texas. I mean, he's willing to say anything in order to convince people that I haven't had a good record in Texas.” PeopleMindWellsMeanStatesHumorPoliticalOrderPresidentTalkingRecordsHavensExampleWillingConvinceTexasSay AnythingPolitical HumorPunditsGood Records Author:George W. Bush
“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal-federal cufflink.” KnowsWantKindHumorPoliticalOrderReadingTeachKnow HowTeacherObligationPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.” ThinkingWantHumorMightFunnyOrderCan DoPerfectWifeMonthsDatingListsRelativeMailPhilippinesPerfect WomanMailingFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” ShouldHumorFunnyOrderBreakComedySorryConvenienceStairsEscalators Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!” LooksHumorFunnyOrderAsksHouseFansHairSettingSettingsLiarsDocumentsLiedPinsBack And ForthSaying NoLied To MePin Up Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.” LittlesWholeHumorFunnyOrderThreeBitsLittle BitPhilosophicalRemainsLegsEightPityBitterConfusedHuntingSpidersPreyConvincingSquirrelsVenomUkrainianSamaritans Author:Bill Bailey