“This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of... You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the "evil empire" may have passed, evil still remains.” WorldMayStillsHumorPastPoliticalCertainEvilHugeRemainsNuclearEmpiresUncertainVersusArsenalPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“I sincerely believe that the collective efforts of many secularists during the past generation, resulting in the expulsion from our schools and from the public square, has left us vulnerable.” BelieveHumorSchoolPastLeftReligiousEffortGenerationsPositive AtheismVulnerableCollectivesSquaresSincerelyExpulsionPast GenerationsCollective Effort Author:Jerry Falwell
“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"” PeopleHumorFunnyPastHateSidesToo MuchNew YorkI HateYeahBreadMeatCowsSandwichesCrackersPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."” HumorFunnyPastColdPleaseMessagesToneJust One Author:Bill Bailey
“And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".” WorldSaidHumorFunnyPastTypeTenHearingAidsBrandsMatesTwelveBrand NewHearing Aids Author:Billy Connolly
“I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.” HumorFunnyLastsPastFourWeekTenHorseQuarters Author:Tommy Cooper
“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'” ThinkingFeelsSoulHumorFunnyTogetherPastSleepBabyBedMouthsDiedYeahLaysComing OutBizarreDeprivationPast LifeSleep Deprivation Author:Adam Ferrara