“Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense” MenNeedsHumorFunnyWinningCausesBeatsArguingMake SenseHandicapped Author:Chris Rock
“We've been able to watch on our television screens sophisticated weaponry find a building; and we've seen dramatic reports from the front where Pulitzer Prize-to-be winning reporters stood up and declared, the United States is attacked, and all that.” StatesHumorAblePoliticalWinningUnitedWatchesUnited StatesFrontsTelevisionBuildingScreensDramaticReportsPrizeSophisticatedReportersStood UpPolitical HumorWeaponry Author:George W. Bush
“Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from.” IfsHumorPoliticalWinningToughOpponentsAlsPacksGorePolitical HumorIncumbentsIncumbency Author:George W. Bush
“And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, "A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse." I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person.” PeopleKnowsWorldWantMindHeartPersonsCountryReasonHumorRunningAmericaPoliticalWinningAnswersLeaderTomorrowMy HeartNegativeOptimismRevengeOptimisticTeaseFollow MePolitical HumorOptimistic Person Author:George W. Bush
“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.” IfsThinkingHumorFunnyWinning Author:Dave Attell
“No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.” HumorFunnyGamesWinningTeam Author:George Carlin
“I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!” IfsHumorFunnyWinningLuckyCardsWinnerLunchBusiness Card Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."” WantGivingHumorFunnyWinningRichGunGive MeCuteDimples Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."” IfsKnowsShowsHumorHappensFunnyGuyWinningHappenedAdvertisingChokeAdvertisementsHamburgersCasinos Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.” IfsMenWantHumorWould BeFunnyWinningFairsCraftsPrizeHandfulJars Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"” MenHumorFunnyWinningTeamCarFulfilledIntrospective Author:Rita Rudner
“The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.” FirstsHumorFunnyGamesWinningBaseballSplitsFifth Author:Jerry Coleman
“The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.” HumorRunningFunnyLastsGamesWinningBaseballTiesLast TimeDodgers Author:Jerry Coleman
“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?” IfsMenUseHumorFunnyFoundWinningSituationPhotographSpeedSettingSettingsPrizeDrowningShuttersPrize Winning Author:Paul Harvey
“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.” IfsMeanPersonsHumorFunnyActorsWinningTonightGood PersonGood Actors Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.” IfsWayHumorFunnyWinningFigures Author:Marc Maron
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'” IfsSaidHomeHumorFunnyGamesWinningNew YorkWorth ItMagicianNot Worth ItKnicks Author:Tina Fey