Best hurt & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog.”

Has Beens Might Funny Fall Hurt Broken Hollywood California Sat Chairs Might Have Been Smog Breakaway

Book:I KID YOU NOT

Source: I KID YOU NOT

“We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.”

Needs Funny Hurt Feet Built Shoes British

Book:Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

Source: Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

Way Years Kind Littles Humor Kids Funny Hurt Millions Baby Let Me Refuse Idiot Cute My Sister Adorable Newborn

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”

Humor Funny Hurt Mouths It Hurts Germs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Benedict may not be as hurt as he really is.”

May Humor Funny Hurt Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“He many not be hurt as much as he really is.”

Humor Funny Hurt Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.”

Thinking Play Humor Might Funny Hurt Let Me Rope

Author:Will Rogers

“I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.”

Humor Funny Hurt Pieces Admire It Hurts Furniture Workmanship Ikea

Author:Bill Bailey

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

Helping Use Humor Funny Hurt Secret Laughing Santa Santa Claus Swallowing

Author:David Cross

“Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.”

Important Humor Kids Funny Hurt Sitting Ears Sitting Down Casualties

Author:Dylan Moran

“I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.”

Feels I Can Two Body Humor Funny Hurt Hair Smoke Lungs Buttocks

Author:Dylan Moran

“If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.”

Ifs Humor Funny Hurt Adults Dresses Planning Halloween

Author:Lewis Black

“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

Men Wells Humor Bigs Eye Running Funny Night Choices Causes Hurt Deals Middle Huge Bed Bigger Pops Bedroom Daddy Middle Of The Night Boogie

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.”

Mind Humor Funny Lasts Father Lost Hurt Wall Summer Coaches Hills Kicks Drivers Bricks Halfway Flew Brick Wall Last Summer Presence Of Mind Halfway There

Author:Chic Murray

“I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."”

Knows Way Wells Said Feelings Funny Faces Guy Hurt Responsibility Talking Comedy Happened Shots My Friends Yeah Mad Phrases Girlfriend Remove This Guy Hurt Feelings Mad At Him

Author:Louis C. K.

“Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.”

People Hard Funny Stuff Black Hurt White Comedy Slavery Slave Black People

Author:Louis C. K.

“I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.”

Funny Faces Dies Hurt Comedy Paid Hot Glad Pockets Back Hurts

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.”

Funny Hurt Comedian

Author:Bill Hicks

“He might want to watch where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if it gets stepped on.”

Ifs Want Hands Might Funny Guy Hurt Watches Land Nfl That Guy Tackling

Author:John Madden

“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

Littles Helping Humor Funny Hurt Boys Streets Ice Help Me Old Lady Ankles Boy Scout

Author:Steven Wright

“Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.”

Funny Fall Hurt Laughing Skins Slips Discomfort Bananas

Author:Shahrukh Khan

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