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Henry Cloud Biography

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“We grow in part by confessing our faults and weaknesses to each other (James 5:16; Eccl. 4:10). If we are always being strong and without needs, we are not growing, and we are setting ourselves up for a very dangerous fall.”

NeedsFallGrowthStrengthBeing StrongEmotional Needs
Book:Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
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“Many people will not be honest because they fear loss of intimacy and togetherness. In reality, honesty brings people closer together, for it will strengthen their identities. The more you realize your separate identities, the closer you can become. Telling loved ones what is really on your mind and telling others what you really think is the foundation of love.”

RelationshipsHonestyIdentityTrustBoundariesIntimacyFriendshipsHealthy Relationships
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“Page 99: "...unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Sorry or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or made Jack nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future.”

PastChangeFuture
Book:Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
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“Rich loved taking care of women. He would swoop in like Tarzan swinging on a vine, rescue them from whatever situation they found themselves in, and be their hero. He would make all the decisions, and he would be strong and dependable. "What a catch!" they would feel. But they did not see his inability to allow them to disagree or have an opinion. He could not yield to another person. He could not show weakness or vulnerability. He would make up for that inflexibility by being a very attractive "strong man" to women who would want to be swept off their feet more than they wanted a real person. So, they would be a perfect match—until he would see the other side of a passive, compliant woman. She would be sneaky and not tell him exactly what was going on. Then, lo and behold, one day she would really "mess up" and have a wish contrary to somthing he wanted or valued. Then, from his perspective, she had "changed" and had become "selfish." "She used to be nice, and now look!" But in reality, this is not what had happened. She had not changed. When they first met, she showed only half of who she was, hiding the other half, which would come out in sneaky, indirect ways. After a while, it came out directly, such as when she disagreed with him. Then he would cry, "Foul." So they both got what they asked for. In her compliance, she attracted a controller. In his control he attracted an adaptive person who had a secret side and was indirect. They were co-conspirators, and it always blew up.”

Dating AdviceDating RelationshipsDating HelpDating In Your Thirties
Book:How to Get a Date Worth Keeping
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“Page 142: "When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing.”

Life LessonsChangeOwnershipAlcoholic
Book:Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
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“If you have never questioned set boundaries, or experienced conflict with your family members, you may not have an adult-to-adult connection with your family. If you have no other “best friends” than your family, you need to take a close look at those relationships. You may be afraid of becoming an autonomous adult.”

IndependenceBoundaries
Book:Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
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“If we demand perfection from ourselves we are not living in the real world...The inherent problem in the relationship between the ideal & the real is that the ideal judges the real as unacceptable and brings down condemnation and wrath on the real. This sets up an adversarial relationship between the two and like all adversaries, they move further and further apart.”

Self EsteemReal WorldTrue SelfAdversariesPerfectionismSelf HatredSelf HatePerfectly ImperfectSelf Judgement
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“fruit of passive-aggressive people. These people resist demands by indirect tactics. They will not take responsibility for their own choices; instead, they turn around and blame someone else for making them do it. Or they will agree to do things that they don’t really want to do, and then gripe about the person behind her back.”

ChoicesResponsibilityBlameIndirectBlaming OthersPassive AggressiveLack Of Responsibility
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“When people are vulnerable to control, they feel that they are selfish for deciding what to do with their own property. In reality, deciding for ourselves is the only way we can ever have true love, for then we are giving freely.”

ChoicesSelfishVulnerableDecisionsVulnerabilityControlControlling OthersManipulative PeopleControlling People
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. ... However, as with all emotions, anger doesn't understand time. Anger doesn't dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart. This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not 'new anger'—it's 'old anger.' It's often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.”

PsychologySelf HelpEmotionsAngerBoundariesSelf Care
Book:Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
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“All of your precious resources - time, energy, talent, passion, and money - should only go to the areas of your life or your business that are best, are fixable, and are indespensable. Otherwise, average sets in and [your life] does not become what it was designed to be.”

LifeVisionFocusDisciplinePriorities
Book:Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
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“Defensive devaluation is a protective device that makes love bad, trust unimportant and people "no darn good any way". People who have been deeply hurt in their relationships will often devalue love so it doesn't hurt so much. And they often become resigned to never loving again.”

RelationshipsAvoiding PainBad RelationshipsNo GoodDevaluation
Book:Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
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“Boundary construction is most evident in three-year-olds. By this time, they should have mastered the following tasks: 1. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one‘s freedom to be apart, 2. The ability to say appropriate no's to others without fear of loss of love, 3. The ability to take appropriate no's from others without withdrawing emotionally. Noting these tasks, a friend said half-joking, "They need to learn this by age three? How about by fourty-three?" Yes, these are tall orders but boundary development is essential in the early years of life.”

PsychologyBoundariesMental IllnessAttachmentAbandonmentChild DevelopmentSecurity BlanketPatenting
Book:Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
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“You cannot fix people who will not take feedback, because from their perspective, they do not have a problem.”

AddictAlcoholicsIrresponsibleDysfunctional FamilyAddictsDysfunctional RelationshipIrresponsible PeopleFixing A Broken GirlFixing Our FamiliesNot Taking Responsibility
Book:Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
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“Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no. Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:”

BoundariesSelf CenteredLoss Of LovePassivitySubmissiveSelf CenterednessControlling ParentsBoundaries QuotesControlling OthersControlling PeopleFear Of AbandonmentSelf Centered PeopleBoundary IssuesConfrontationalSubmittingRule By FearBoundarylessSelf Centered Man
Book:Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
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“We often hear of someone saying, ‘So you don’t trust me’ or ‘Are you questioning my integrity?’ or ‘You don’t believe me.’ They get defensive and angry because someone questions their actions, and they think they are above being questioned or having to prove their trustworthiness. But none of us is above questioning.”

QuestioningLiarAbove The LawDefensivenessSense Of EntitlementLack Of IntegrityConfrontationalAbove QuestioningAbove Suspicion
Book:Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
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“It is extremely important to be able to make negative assertions. We must be able to say what is ‘not me’ in order to have a ‘me’. What we like has no meaning unless we know what we don’t like. Our yes has no meaning if we never say no. My chosen profession has no passion if ‘just anyone would do’. Our opinions and thoughts mean very little if there is nothing we disagree with.”

ConflictNegativeBoundariesDisagreementSaying NoSaying YesAssertivenessAgreeing
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“Sometimes we represent our weakness as if it were bad. We don’t think it’s okay to be weak…We have been injured in many ways and our real self houses all of the evidence of those injuries. The pain, the brokenness and the emotional underdevelopment we all possess is part of who we really are.”

IdentityWeaknessWho We AreTrue SelfInjuredEmotional PainTrue SelvesWho We Truly Are
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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“Denial of one's need for others is the most common type of defense against bonding. If people come from a situation, whether growing up or later in life, where good, safe relationships were not available to them, they learn to deny that they even want them. Why want what you can't have? They slowly get rid of their awareness of the need.”

NeedsSelf AwarenessDenialBondingHealthy RelationshipsLEmotional NeedsDefense Mechanism
Book:Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
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