Quotessence
Home / Authors / John Bradshaw
John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw Quotes

Educator

Filter quotes by topic

AllShameFeelingsSelfKnowsChildrenFeelsHumansNeedsPersonsToxic Shame

Famous John Bradshaw Quotes

“THE MYTH OF THE GOOD OL BOY AND THE NICE GAL The good of boy myth and the nice gal are a kind of social conformity myth. They create a real paradox when put together with the "rugged individual" part of the Success Myth. How can I be a rugged individual, be my own man and conform at the same time? Conforming means "Don't make a wave", "Don't rock the boat". Be a nice gal or a good ol' boy. This means that we have to pretend a lot. "We are taught to be nice and polite. We are taught that these behaviors (most often lies) are better than telling the truth. Our churches, schools, and politics are rampant with teaching dishonesty (saying things we don't mean and pretending to feel ways we don't feel). We smile when we feel sad; laugh nervously when dealing with grief; laugh at jokes we don't think are funny; tell people things to be polite that we surely don't mean." - Bradshaw On: The Family”

LiesShameParadoxConformDishonestyPolitenessPretenceGood GirlGood BoyCongruenceRock The BoatMake Waves
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“DENIAL OF EMOTIONS Our culture does not handle emotions well. We like folks to be happy and fine. We learn rituals of acting happy and fine at an early age. I can remember many times telling people "I'm fine" when I felt like the world was caving in on me. I often think of Senator Muskie who cried on the campaign trail when running for president. From that moment on he was history. We don't want a president who has emotions. We would rather have one that can act! Emotions are certainly not acceptable in the workplace. True expression of any emotions that are not "positive" are met with disdain.”

HappinessActingAcceptanceEmotionalShameDenialHidingHystericalSociety DenialEmotions QuotesWhite LiesEmotions People Control
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“The utter atrocities of Nazism have shown us clearly what the inherent potential of destruction in the parenting rules we have been using for the last 150 years. These rules are non-democratic. They are based on inequality of power and unequal rights. They promote the use and ownership of some people by others and teach the denial and repression of emotional vitality and spontaneity. They glorify obedience, orderliness, logic, rationality, power and male supremacy. They are flagrantly anti-life.”

FamilyDemocracyParentingNazismNazisDysfunctional FamiliesDysfunctional
Book:Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Create image

“Playing roles and acting are forms of lying. If a person acts like they really feel and it rocks the boat, they are ostracized. We promote pretense and lying as a cultural way of life. Living this way causes an inner split. It teaches us to hide and cover up our toxic shame. This sends us deeper into isolation and loneliness.”

CultureRolesShameIsolationToxic ShameDenial Of Emotions
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“Belonging to the peer group is paramount. One's whole sense of identity is coming together in adolescence. If one has a good foundation prior to adolescence, the sense of self can be preliminarily defined. Identity is always social―one's sense of self needs to be matched by others: one's friends, teachers and parents. Adolescence is the time the brain (frontal lobes) is reaching full maturity. It is a time of ideals, of questioning and projecting into the future. An adolescent needs to have the discipline of mind the philosopher Thomas Aquinas called studiasitas. Studiasitas is a disciplined focus on studies and thinking, a kind of temperance of the mind. Its opposite is curiositas, a kind of mental wandering all over the place without limits. Healthy shame at this stage is the source of good identity, a disciplined focus on the future and on studious limits in pursuing intellectual interests.”

ShameAdolescenceAffectToxic Shame
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“From what you have seen so far it should be obvious that a major source of toxic shame is the family system and its multigenerational patterns of unresolved secrets. More specifically these families are created by the shame-based people who find and marry each other. Each looks to and expects the other to take care of and parent the child within him or her. Each is incomplete and insatiable. The insatiability is rooted in each person's unmet childhood needs. When two adult children meet and fall in love, the child in each looks to the other to fill his or her needs. Since "in love" is a natural state of fusion, the incomplete children fuse together as they had done in the symbiotic stage of infancy. Each feels a sense of oneness and completeness. Since “in-love” is always erotic, each feels "oceanic" in the sexual embrace. “Oceanic” love is without boundaries. Being in love is as powerful as any narcotic. One feels whole and ecstatic. Unfortunately this state cannot last. The ecstatic consciousness is highly selective. Lovers focus on sameness and are intrigued by the newness of each other. Soon, however, real differences in socialization begin to emerge. The two families of origin rear their shame-based heads. Now the battle begins! Who will take care of whom? Whose family rules will win out? The more shame-based each person is, the more each other's differences will be intolerable. “If you loved me, you'd do it my way,” each cajoles the other. The Hatfields and the Mccoys go at it again.”

MarriageParentingToxic ShameHealthy Shame
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“Some emotional abuse is nearly universal. I believe that everyone has been shamed to some degree by emotional abuse. The poisonous pedagogy is quite clear about the fact that emotions are weak. We are to be rational and logical and not allow ourselves to be marred by emotions. All emotions must be controlled, but anger and sexual feelings are especially to be repressed. I can't imagine many people in modern American life who were affirmed and nurtured in expressing their sexual and/or angry feelings.”

AngerEmotional AbuseToxic ShameSexual FeelingsHealthy Shame
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“The drivenness in any addiction is about the ruptured self, the belief that one is flawed as a person. The content of the addiction, whether it is alcoholism or work, is an attempt at an intimate relationship. The workaholic with her work or the alcoholic with his booze are having a love affair. Each alters mood to avoid the feeling of loneliness and hurt in the underbelly of shame.”

PersonsSelfFeelingsBeliefHurtLonelinessShameAddictionAffairMoodIntimateFlawedAlcoholismAlcoholicsLove AffairBoozeWorkaholicIntimate Relationships
Author:John Bradshaw
Create image

“Our beliefs create the kind of world we believe in. We project our feelings, thoughts and attitudes onto the world. I can create a different world by changing my belief about the world. Our inner state creates the outer and not vice versa.”

WorldBelieveKindI CanDifferentStatesFeelingsBeliefAttitudeProjectsVicesVice VersaDifferent Worlds
Book:Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
Create image

“Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal. …Sadness is painful. We try to avoid it. Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our emotional pain. To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us. The therapeutic slogan is that grieving is the ‘healing feeling.’”

TryingFeelingsPainOrderEnergyHealingSadnessEmotionalInvolvedPainfulHealReleaseGrievingSlogansFreezeEmotional PainTherapeuticDischarge
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“The feeling of righteousness is the core mood alteration among religious addicts. Religious addiction is a massive problem in our society. It may be the most pernicious of all addictions because it’s so hard for a person to break his delusion and denial. How can anything be wrong with loving God and giving your life for good works and service to mankind?”

GivingMayPersonsHardFeelingsProblemReligiousBreakMankindAddictionCoreMoodDenialOur SocietyDelusionMassiveRighteousnessGood WorkAddictLoving GodLoving LifePerniciousAlterationsService To Mankind
Book:Healing the Shame that Binds You
Create image

“Science has so far been unable to tell us how self-aware dogs are, much less whether they have anything like our conscious thoughts. This is not surprising, since neither scientists nor philosophers can agree about what the consciousness of humans consists of, let alone that of animals.”

HumansSelfAnimalConsciousnessDogConsciousScientistAgreePhilosopherSurprising
Book:Dog Sense: How the New Science of Dog Behavior Can Make You A Better Friend to Your Pet
Create image