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All Attack Dialogue Fight Mutual Respect Safe Unsafe Battle Behavior Calibrate Compromise Conversation Skills Crucial Conversation Curiosity Curious Dignity Discomfort Effective Fear Firm

Famous Kerry Patterson Quotes

“How can we possibly act curious when others are either attacking us or heading for cover? People who routinely seek to find out why others are feeling unsafe do so because they have learned that getting at the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue. Either they’ve seen others do it or they’ve stumbled on the formula themselves. Either way, they realize that the cure to silence or violence isn’t to respond in kind, but to get at the underlying source. This calls for genuine curiosity—at a time when you’re likely to be feeling frustrated or angry.”

Fear Silence Violence Curiosity Dialogue Curious Discomfort Unsafe Attack

Book:Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

“By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name-calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge battle, and the couple’s relationship was strengthened at a time when it could easily have been damaged.”

Relationship Battle Threat Story Attack Name Calling Strengthen

Book:Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

“We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe.”

Safe Flight Fight Stimulus Unsafe Attack

Book:Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Talking About Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior

Source: Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Talking About Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior

“Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person’s verbal attack, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going to take a little while for him or her to settle down.”

Safe Attack Effective Settle Verbal

Book:Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

“When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question.”

Negotiation Question Attack Pause Calibrate

Book:Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High