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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom.

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Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'”

Needs Giving I Can Ends Home Humor Funny Waiting Imagine Prove Paper Give Me Ink Files Skeptical Scenarios Back Home Transactions Doughnut Documentation Receipts Ink And Paper

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

Knows Men Way Looks I Can Humor Funny Comedy Car Headlights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

Ifs I Can Humor Funny Comedy Fingers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

I Can Matter Humor Funny Comedy Pieces Hungry Spaghetti Noodles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.”

Ifs Want Looks I Can Eye Guy Fun Sound Laughing Focus Listening Crowds Having Fun Disappointed Closing Just Listen Closing My Eyes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

Needs I Can Two Humor Funny Causes Break Missing Yeah Bills

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

I Can Humor Funny Lasts Numbers Pay Four Credit Cards Thanks Twelve Assistance Credit Card Guessing Receipts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.”

Ifs Want I Can Humor Funny Three House Left Practice Apples Routine Screws Screw Ups Jugglers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.”

I Can Humor Funny Pasta Spaghetti Noodles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”

I Can Humor Funny Next Waiting Stage Pockets Pineapples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

Knows Stills I Can Humor Funny Used Know How Fire Dad Summer Mark My Dad Bags Texas Flip Aprons

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

Said I Can Helping Use Humor Funny Walks Managers Help Me Liquor Crutches

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.”

Mean I Can Shows Humor Light Funny Left Minutes Worst Stage Red Method Clubs Frightened Candle Floating Red Lights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.”

Mind I Can Humor Funny Illiterate I Can Read

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"”

I Can Play Humor Funny Bats Kitten Yarn

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.”

People Ifs I Can Humor Funny Four Carts Cartwheels

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

Knows Men Want I Can Use Humor Funny Enjoy Numbers Company Calling Letters Phones Brands Hello Brand New Did You Know Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"”

Years I Can Humor Care Funny Remember Imagine Happened Seeds Blank Buns

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

I Can Two Guy Perception Balls Soccer Kicks Flip Other Guys Screwed Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss”

I Can Missing Bites Cheese Rip Swiss Swiss Cheese

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'”

Knows I Can Humor Funny Stuff Available Stores Do You Know Location Peas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

About the Author

Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 384

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