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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom.

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Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

Knows Men Way Looks I Can Humor Funny Comedy Car Headlights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.”

Thinking Want Looks Art Ends Guy Taken Comedy Angle Pretentious

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.”

Ifs Looks Eye Faces Found Sound Audience Expression Equal Crowds Good Times Having A Good Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.”

Ifs Want Looks I Can Eye Guy Fun Sound Laughing Focus Listening Crowds Having Fun Disappointed Closing Just Listen Closing My Eyes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.”

Looks Humor Funny Stuff Views Boxes Point Of View Planes Outsiders Batteries Cords

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”

Looks Humor Funny Next Drink News Saved Boat Next Time Good News Floats Limes Buoyancy Citrus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!”

Looks Humor Funny Order Asks House Fans Hair Setting Settings Liars Documents Lied Pins Back And Forth Saying No Lied To Me Pin Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”

Ifs Looks Humor Funny Grows Legs Hey Plus Farms Ants Fellas Snowman Celery

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”

Looks Humor Light Funny Black Bars Impression Stains Mustard

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

Knows Looks Mean Humor Hands Funny Guy Next Eating Bars Next Time Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"”

Men Way Want Looks Hard Home Humor Would Be Funny Hours Half Cutting Grass Mobile Sneak Repo Man

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”

Ifs Looks Alphabet

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'”

Looks Said Humor Funny Guy Bits Son Let Me Cameras One Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

About the Author

Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 384

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