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Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom.

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Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

Knows Want Shows Humor Funny Sea Tvs Late Rivers Fishes Boat Lakes Fishing Let It Go Trout Fishing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

Knows Shows Funny Know How Knowing Smart Witty Clever Comedian Protest Picketing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

People Knows Shows Humor Funny Lasts Night Comedy Please Last Night Night Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

People Thinking Knows Should Two Shows Humor Might Funny Next Watches Millions Hell Late Stores Comedian Having Fun Introduction Letterman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”

Firsts Two Ends Shows Humor Funny Strong Keys Elements Sick Comedian Ems Pancakes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.”

People Thinking Trying Shows Humor Funny Asks Late Ask Me Autographs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

Sometimes Shows Humor Eye Funny Enjoy Audience Eyelids

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"”

Shows Humor Funny Sugar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".”

Knows Mean Shows Humor Funny Term Jokes Add Sugar Cds Show Biz

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.”

Mean I Can Shows Humor Light Funny Left Minutes Worst Stage Red Method Clubs Frightened Candle Floating Red Lights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."”

Ifs Knows Shows Humor Happens Funny Guy Winning Happened Advertising Choke Advertisements Hamburgers Casinos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"”

Thinking Said Shows Humor Bigs Funny Company Cutting Balls Intention Tennis Ems They Said Screws Potatoes Initials Rubber Laid Back Tennis Balls Pringles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.”

Ifs Want Shows Humor Funny Talk To Me

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

Ifs Knows Want Shows Know How Hungry Rice Picketing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'”

Said Shows Lasts Night Guy Next Saws Minutes Television Tvs Next Day Airports Last Night Flew Minneapolis

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.”

Trying Shows Humor Funny Certain Pieces Paper My Friends Letters Pens Highlighting

Author:Mitch Hedberg

About the Author

Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 384

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