Home / Authors / Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Comedian

Mitch Hedberg was an American comedian born on February 24, 1968. He was known for his unique humor style and insightful observations. Hedberg's career was brief, but he left a lasting impression in the comedy world with his witty sarcasm and humorous wisdom.

Filter quotes by topic

All Funny Humor Ifs Knows Comedy Thinking People Want Said Guy Needs Two I Can Way Men Shows Jokes Should Yeah Looks

Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

Knows Men Way Looks I Can Humor Funny Comedy Car Headlights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

Way Humor Funny Saws Comedy Lifts Literal Forks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”

Way Littles Play Humor Funny Wish League Little League

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

Knows Way Doe Said Two Humor Funny Together Easy Born Simple Saws Middle Missing Tvs Arms Letters Raises They Said Contractions

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”

Knows Way Humor Funny Acid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."”

Thinking Men Way Should Said Humor Funny Should Have Yeah I Realized Weather Perceive Trippy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"”

Way Trying Two Ends Humor Funny Hate Lines Thirds I Hate Arrows Triangles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

Way Persons Helping Humor Hands Running Funny Chance Fire Figures Bears Authority My Friends Woods Intense Forests Ran Acid Swearing Forest Fires Authority Figures

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

Ifs Way Humor Funny Please Stores Cds

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

People Thinking Men Way Play Humor Funny Sports Enjoy Forget Basketball Thirsty Demographics Gatorade

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"”

Men Way Want Looks Hard Home Humor Would Be Funny Hours Half Cutting Grass Mobile Sneak Repo Man

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”

Way May Ends Humor Funny Owners Participation Stubborn Vary Blanket Mcdonalds Spaghetti Cheeseburger

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

Ifs Way Said Time Dollars Making Money

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.”

Way Guy Golf Holes Satisfying Hole In One

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."”

Knows Way Want Light Funny Turns Animal Bears Let Me Bunch Hey Ems Apartment Leafs Turn-on Cockroaches Fellas Cutest Koalas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.”

Way Mind Said Philosophy Body Humor Funny Psychology Streets Special Walking Taste My Friends Medicine Senses Soma

Author:Mitch Hedberg

About the Author

Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 384

Related Topics

Funny Humor Ifs Knows Comedy Thinking People Want Said Guy Needs Two I Can Way Men Shows Jokes Should Yeah Looks

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Similar Authors

Steven WrightBrowse related quotes
Milton JonesBrowse related quotes
Chic MurrayBrowse related quotes
Tommy CooperBrowse related quotes
Frankie BoyleBrowse related quotes
Kristen SchaalBrowse related quotes
Russell HowardBrowse related quotes
Bill BaileyBrowse related quotes
Frank CarsonBrowse related quotes
Dylan MoranBrowse related quotes