“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!” PeopleKnowsSometimesHumorKidsSchoolFunnyChoicesCarYeahDrivingDrunkCopDrunk Driving Author:Dave Attell
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.” IfsHumorWould BeFunnyDrunkRabbitsMessed UpCarrots Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.” HumorFunnyDrunkCarpetVacuumsVodkaHoover Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!” PeopleKnowsWayWantDoeShowsHumorHandsFunnySoundFrontsComfortableSticksBunchDrunkChairsElectric Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.” HumorFunnyImagineCleanDrunkBottlesCleaningFluidVodka Author:Mitch Hedberg
“So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.” WayHumorFunnyStyleDrunk Author:Dave Attell
“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."” PeopleIfsHumorMightAbleFunnyLastsExampleDrinkNewspapersDrunkHeyTitlesHolidayDriversArticlesDrankMaking UpWalkers Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories
“When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.” KnowsPlayHumorFunnyKnow HowDrinkHumorousWineDrinkingAlcoholDrunkSoberLiquorDrinking Alcohol Author:Richard Burton