“I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!” IfsNeedsMayHumorAmericaTurnsChristReligiousSeriousMastersLateConvincedSavedToo LateOld FashionedRevivalNever Too Late Author:Jerry Falwell
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.” WantHumorFunnyFunComedyFrontsLateMachinesMadGlassesBarsToo LateCandyMagnifyingEyeglassesMagnifying GlassCandy BarVending Machines Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” KnowsWantShowsHumorFunnySeaTvsLateRiversFishesBoatLakesFishingLet It GoTrout Fishing Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"” PeopleThinkingKnowsShouldTwoShowsHumorMightFunnyNextWatchesMillionsHellLateStoresComedianHaving FunIntroductionLetterman Author:Mitch Hedberg
“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.” PeopleThinkingTryingShowsHumorFunnyAsksLateAsk MeAutographs Author:Mitch Hedberg
“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"” ThinkingKnowsNeedsMeanHardHumorSeemsFunnyNightWaterTvsProductsLateGardenPlantLate NightVery MeanCactus Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.” KnowsSoulHumorFunnyPoorHusbandLateVery Sad Author:William Archibald Spooner
“Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.” KindCountryMomentsDreamHumorFunnyLastsPoorQualityBrokenColdLateEnglandBottomWeatherHolidayOnlineWildernessRetirementPieGreyPollsQuality Of LifePublic ServiceEuropean CountriesBroken DreamsHealth ServicesPoor Health Author:Bill Bailey
“I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."” WantSaidTwoHumorFunnyWaitingHoursHeardAirLateFlyingNoiseEnginesPilotsSpainHostesses Author:Frank Carson
“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."” PersonsSometimesHumorRunningFunnyNightHoursTroubleLateBusySmellSmokeLazyWeekendShowersMondayFridayFriday NightBeing Lazy48 HoursRunning Late Author:Jim Gaffigan
“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'” PeopleIfsThinkingKnowsLittlesDoeHumorHappensRunningFunnyJesusChurchMinutesFrontsNew YorkFineTomorrowOfficeLateAskingRoundsJewPostsBusComing BackAlrightPost OfficeI'm Back Author:Marc Maron
“When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'” IfsSaidStillsHumorFunnyLateDoctors Author:George Burns