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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.”

Ifs Firsts Mean Humor Funny Fields Humorous Machines Sight Israel Destroyed Primitive Pulling Shocked Tractors

Author:Golda Meir

“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.”

Love Heart Littles Dream Humor Turns Love Is Gun Machines Dancing Dance Merry Sweet Love Miniatures Machine Guns Perky

Author:Matt Groening

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

Want Humor Funny Fun Comedy Fronts Late Machines Mad Glasses Bars Too Late Candy Magnifying Eyeglasses Magnifying Glass Candy Bar Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"”

Hard Humor Funny Machines Yeah Bottom Bars Invention Block Hard Times Reaching Owners Candy Candy Bar Vending Machines Reaching Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.”

Want Real Humor Bigs Funny Machines Sells Being Real Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

Humor Funny Found Stuff Months Six Machines Cancer Bags Rays Airports

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.”

Humor Funny Challenges Machines Baseball Radar

Author:Jerry Coleman

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.”

Humor Funny Musician Machines Singers Sewing

Author:Frank Carson

“I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"”

People Knows Two Humor Funny Lines Forget Fronts Standing Okay Machines Things To Do Seconds Cash Forget It Free Time

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

Humor Funny Machines Braille

Author:George Carlin

“A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.”

Humor Funny Machines Neighbour Tweet

Author:Chic Murray

“Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.”

Humor Funny Sex Machines Bragging Vending Machines Doritos

Author:Natasha Leggero