“We come before God to pray for the missing and the dead, and for those who loved them... Our purpose as a nation is firm, yet our wounds as a people are recent and unhealed and lead us to pray... This world he created is of moral design. Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance, and love have no end, and the Lord of life holds all who die and all who mourn... Neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities, nor powers nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth can separate us from God's love.” PeopleWorldEndsHumorPoliticalPurposeDiesNationsGriefMoralLordMissingDesignThis WorldPrayingGoodnessAngelHatredAnd LoveTragedyDepthWoundsFirmHeightRemembranceMournGod's LovePolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked.” PeopleThinkingKnowsBelieveImportantDifferentHumorPoliticalCultureI BelieveDifficultResponsibilityMissingPositionBabyMomOughtHopefullyAlternativesFirmChoresPolitical HumorCondomWedlock Author:George W. Bush
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.” IfsHumorFunnyMissingTypeFingersNine Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?” NeedsI CanTwoHumorFunnyCausesBreakMissingYeahBills Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!” KnowsWayDoeSaidTwoHumorFunnyTogetherEasyBornSimpleSawsMiddleMissingTvsArmsLettersRaisesThey SaidContractions Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"” PeopleThinkingDoeHumorFunnyMissingDrawsHeyBitesNow And ThenCheeseSandwichesSwissCheddarSwiss Cheese Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!” IfsMenNeedsLittlesHumorFunnyUsedHateMissingLike YouCoupleDrawsI HateMadFingersAccidentsStoresTurkeysGroceriesMessed UpHamGrocery StoresFellasBolognaPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!” PeopleIfsKnowsTwoHumorSeemsCareFunnyThreeNextNamesWaitingAnswersPartyHappenedMissingCallingYeahBusyListsHungryRestaurants Author:Mitch Hedberg
“McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.” HumorFunnyMissingBaseballSwings Author:Jerry Coleman
“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.” EnoughHumorFunnyRoomsWeekMissingLifetimeDrankCokeMissing SomethingPepsi Author:Lewis Black
“The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'” HumorFunnyDoorsSecurityMissingMovedCleanArguingApartmentPizzaCeilingsSinglesDepositsLandlordBack Doors Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.” HumorFunnyMissingPillowMarshmallow Author:Chic Murray
“Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.” HumorFunnyCarMissingAreasYesterdayZoneTow Author:Steven Wright