“A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.” LifeHumorLife IsWaitingPerfectDramaHumorousMethodDeadline Author:Alyce Cornyn-Selby
“I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.” ThinkingWantHumorMightFunnyOrderCan DoPerfectWifeMonthsDatingListsRelativeMailPhilippinesPerfect WomanMailingFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.” HumorFunnyPerfectCarTruckTow Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'” HumorFunnyUsedStuffSleepPerfectPocketsEmsPlannersPajamas Author:Demetri Martin
“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!” IfsKnowsNeedsWellsHumorTodayFunnyLyingPerfectConditionsWindDegreesWeatherNonsenseChillMinus Author:Lewis Black
“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."” KnowsFeelsLooksSaidHumorFunnyPerfectMorningDoctorsMirrorsYeahGet UpThrowingEvery MorningEyesightVomitingThrowing UpUgly Face Author:Rodney Dangerfield