“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” ShouldHumorFunnyOrderBreakComedySorryConvenienceStairsEscalators Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” ThinkingHumorFunnyComedyKingsStandingSorryPensRobinsI Am SorryAm SorryDisillusion Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"” HumorWould BeFunnyWalksSorryRidiculousDryApologyCleanersDry Cleaners Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.” MaySaidHumorFunnyPleaseMembersSorryLiarsSpeakersHonorablePunctuationI Am SorryAm Sorry Author:Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'” ThinkingFeelsDoneHumorFunnyMorningWake UpSorryEvery MorningBlunt Author:Bill Bailey
“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.” ThinkingKnowsHumorFunnyThreeCausesVoiceTalkingGaySorryAssDo You KnowOne TimeI'm SorryThree TimesSandwichesDaveBeing GayHomophobicCucumbersVoices In My Head Author:Dave Attell
“You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.” KnowsGivingHumorFunnyUsedNumbersProductsLuckyGive MeSorrySellingLucky YouIkea Author:Milton Jones
“A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."” MenSaidFeelingsHumorFunnyThreeWalksMinutesHe ManDoctorsSorryEggsHospitalsSaying Sorry Author:Frank Carson
“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.” PeopleFeelsTryingHumorFunnyWaterWifeLaysSorryMy WifeFatsBeach Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'” SaidHumorFunnyOkaySorryPoundsButchersSausage Author:Tommy Cooper
“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.” FeelsHumorHandsFunnyViewsWatchesCrySorryTopicsCouches Author:Zach Galifianakis
“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'” HumorCareFunnyMotherCausesParentNiceMomMonthsDadMadSorryNakedThings To DoGirlfriendMailMy GirlfriendNice ThingsFuriousMessed UpI Am So Sorry Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.” IfsTryingWellsHumorFunnyNumbersFiguresSevenSorryNineCall MeI'm SorryHello Author:Katt Williams