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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.”

People Knows Feels Humans Said Humor Funny Human Beings Animal Heavy Singers Tonight Concerts Metals Heavy Metal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.”

Real Humor Funny Night Cold Baseball Warm Tonight Cold Night

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.”

Humor Funny Baseball Tonight Mike

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.”

Humor Funny Baseball Tonight Umpires Fangs Flexing

Author:Jerry Coleman

“And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.”

Wells Matter Humor Funny Cities Baseball Tonight Chicago Kansas Lead In Kansas City

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!”

Humor Funny Baseball Hot Hats Tonight

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.”

Mind Made Shows Humor Funny Doubt Havens Tonight

Author:Bill Bailey

“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”

Ifs I Can Humor Funny Guy Speak Rooms Stage Right Now Empty Blow Tonight Empty Stage

Author:Bill Hicks

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

Men Believe Said Whole Humor Funny Dog Jokes Tests Series Don't Believe Bunch Tonight Smarter

Author:David Cross

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.”

People Way Humor Wanted Funny Audience Baby Appeals Tonight Friendly Family Friends

Author:Kristen Schaal