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Pieces Quotes

Browse 5667 quotes about Pieces.

Pieces Quotes

“A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.”

Humor Funny Pieces Paid

Author:Robert Benchley

“When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog.”

Source: Falling Towards England: (Unreliable Memoirs Continued)

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

I Can Matter Humor Funny Comedy Pieces Hungry Spaghetti Noodles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.”

Humor Funny Pieces Baseball Bats

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.”

Humor Funny Hurt Pieces Admire It Hurts Furniture Workmanship Ikea

Author:Bill Bailey

“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.”

People Ifs Men Want Feels Humor Funny Stuff Break Pieces Protect Window Glasses Clubs Stealing Wheels Crap Steering

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.”

Ifs Use Humor Funny Pieces Edges Mates Files

Author:Frank Carson

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

Want Said Humor Funny Pieces Paper I Want You Pencils Policemen Vines

Author:Tim Vine

“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”

Humor Funny Break Pieces Easier Girlfriend My Girlfriend Christmas Present

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'”

People Thinking Humor Funny Pieces Painting Fats Contribution Cousin Gangsters Spray Nicknames My Cousin Costco

Author:Natasha Leggero