“A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.” HumorFunnyPiecesPaid Author:Robert Benchley
“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.” I CanMatterHumorFunnyComedyPiecesHungrySpaghettiNoodles Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."” NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.” HumorFunnyHurtPiecesAdmireIt HurtsFurnitureWorkmanshipIkea Author:Bill Bailey
“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.” PeopleIfsMenWantFeelsHumorFunnyStuffBreakPiecesProtectWindowGlassesClubsStealingWheelsCrapSteering Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.” IfsUseHumorFunnyPiecesEdgesMatesFiles Author:Frank Carson
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."” WantSaidHumorFunnyPiecesPaperI Want YouPencilsPolicemenVines Author:Tim Vine
“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.” HumorFunnyBreakPiecesEasierGirlfriendMy GirlfriendChristmas Present Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'” PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyPiecesPaintingFatsContributionCousinGangstersSprayNicknamesMy CousinCostco Author:Natasha Leggero