“I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.” IfsThinkingWayWellsMeanShowsBornWifeMy WifeWorriedSettlingShow BusinessSettling Down Author:Arj Barker
“Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.” IfsKindTodayCertainWalksHellImagineCircumstancesWalkingShoesPairsBe KindPaceBeesModeratesPair Of ShoesSwarmsWalking Shoes Author:Arj Barker
“I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.” IfsBelieveHomeRunningI BelieveGoes OnDatingMe Alone Author:Arj Barker
“It's too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. 'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk! How do you know he wasn't being sincere, Arj? Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.” IfsKnowsNeedsUsedDifficultPartyCommunicationMy FriendsSolveEnjoyedToneGood TimesSincereDo You KnowJerkFontsBeing SincereGreat PartyElectronic CommunicationBest Party Author:Arj Barker
“You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!” IfsFeelsWellsMeanI CanDiesCausesBandDiseaseHorribleCuresTestedParadesAlzheimerAlzheimer'sMarching Band Author:Arj Barker
“I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.” IfsFactsRiskNewsTiredHearingQuittingSmokingCigaretteGood NewsBad NewsI QuitJogging Author:Arj Barker
“I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?” IfsFirstsSaidProblemLightCarChecksWhat IfEnginesVagueCryptic Author:Arj Barker
“I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.” IfsThinkingKnowsI CanIdeasReasonHelpingNextWeekInformationDoctorsBreathsSmellMedicalTeethAssEnjoyedNo IdeaParadiseCigaretteMonkeysLungsNext WeekSmokersBrushing Author:Arj Barker
“There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.” PeopleIfsKnowsFeelsTryingDoeReasonAsksBehindsHalfPiecesCostFinancialApplesExpensiveCentsShelvesCandyPenniesPrudentRazorsReplacementsPlutonium Author:Arj Barker
