“I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.” KnowsFirstsWellsLittlesRealHomeHappensGuyBitsSeeingHappenedGayLittle BitAreasConservativeFavorsHeyBuyingChicagoThis GuySan FranciscoGay MarriageBack HomeSmoothies Author:Arj Barker
“Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.” KnowsHappensEasySecretMinutesMilitaryDiscoveryTunes Author:Arj Barker
“It's too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. 'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk! How do you know he wasn't being sincere, Arj? Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman.” IfsKnowsNeedsUsedDifficultPartyCommunicationMy FriendsSolveEnjoyedToneGood TimesSincereDo You KnowJerkFontsBeing SincereGreat PartyElectronic CommunicationBest Party Author:Arj Barker
“I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.” KnowsPhilosophyProveMajorsProve It Author:Arj Barker
“I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.” IfsThinkingKnowsI CanIdeasReasonHelpingNextWeekInformationDoctorsBreathsSmellMedicalTeethAssEnjoyedNo IdeaParadiseCigaretteMonkeysLungsNext WeekSmokersBrushing Author:Arj Barker
“There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.” PeopleIfsKnowsFeelsTryingDoeReasonAsksBehindsHalfPiecesCostFinancialApplesExpensiveCentsShelvesCandyPenniesPrudentRazorsReplacementsPlutonium Author:Arj Barker
“I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.” KnowsCountryAmericaCausesAnimalHellBeatsCatAssIslandsSpainIndigenousCataloniaDomesticated Animals Author:Arj Barker
“You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.” KnowsLittlesBigsFoundGrowingMouthsHorseSmokingCigarettePacksCamelsTumors Author:Arj Barker
