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Dave Attell

Dave Attell Quotes

Comedian

Dave Attell is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and sharp wit. Born on January 18, 1965, he gained prominence in the comedy scene since the early 1990s. Attell is recognized for his performances that often tackle social and political topics, making him a landmark figure in contemporary comedy.

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Famous Dave Attell Quotes

“What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.”

Knows Should Two Humor Funny Sea Rivers Fishes Boat Two Things Lakes Fishing Chickens Penguins Fish Tanks

Author:Dave Attell

“You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.”

Knows Men Humor Funny Certain Situation Fire Men And Women

Author:Dave Attell

“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!”

People Knows Sometimes Humor Kids School Funny Choices Car Yeah Driving Drunk Cop Drunk Driving

Author:Dave Attell

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

Thinking Knows Humor Funny Three Causes Voice Talking Gay Sorry Ass Do You Know One Time I'm Sorry Three Times Sandwiches Dave Being Gay Homophobic Cucumbers Voices In My Head

Author:Dave Attell

“You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Mother Fun Talking

Author:Dave Attell

“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

Knows Men Should Ends Humor Funny Drink Pants Bail Jack Daniels Wild Man

Author:Dave Attell

“It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.”

Knows Trying Looks Hard President Water Know How Economy Cry Horrible Staring Do You Know Showers Curtains Staring At You Shower Curtains

Author:Dave Attell

“If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.”

Ifs Knows Home Would Be Beautiful Sex Animal Horse

Author:Dave Attell

“I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.”

Knows War Stories Hands Age Together Mother Fighting Talking Military Dad Mets Dancing My Dad Ran Hanging Out One Time War Stories Ammo

Author:Dave Attell

“Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?”

Ifs Knows Drink What If Alright

Author:Dave Attell

“This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?”

Ifs Knows Men Firsts Looks Doe Stills I Can Home Night Guy Hate Hurt Magic Stupid Walking I Hate Drinking Clubs Broke Coming Home Surprising Hitting Magician Only Time Cant All Night Really Stupid

Author:Dave Attell

“Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.”

Knows Helping Situation Teeth Crystals Crystal Meth

Author:Dave Attell

“You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.”

Knows Tongue Ass Clock Shaking Alarms Stance Karate Alarm Clocks

Author:Dave Attell

“I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.”

Knows Needs Funny Watches Television Discovery Girlfriend

Author:Dave Attell

“The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"”

Knows Moments Facts Running Funny Waiting Chance Watches Four Sea Television Discovery Meetings Odd Running Away Hello Did You Know Nipples Otters Ticklish

Author:Dave Attell

“I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.”

People Knows I Can Shows Television Jokes Know Me

Author:Dave Attell

“For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.”

People Knows Long Shows Guy Happened Long Time Crowds Tattoo Offended Really Cool Truckers Pantera

Author:Dave Attell

About the Author

Born: January 18, 1965
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 96

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