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Dave Attell

Dave Attell Quotes

Comedian

Dave Attell is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and sharp wit. Born on January 18, 1965, he gained prominence in the comedy scene since the early 1990s. Attell is recognized for his performances that often tackle social and political topics, making him a landmark figure in contemporary comedy.

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Famous Dave Attell Quotes

“What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.”

Knows Should Two Humor Funny Sea Rivers Fishes Boat Two Things Lakes Fishing Chickens Penguins Fish Tanks

Author:Dave Attell

“You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.”

Knows Men Humor Funny Certain Situation Fire Men And Women

Author:Dave Attell

“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!”

People Knows Sometimes Humor Kids School Funny Choices Car Yeah Driving Drunk Cop Drunk Driving

Author:Dave Attell

“I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Funny Winning

Author:Dave Attell

“Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.”

Humor Funny Aspirin

Author:Dave Attell

“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.”

Humor Funny Guy Fun Morning Laughing Bed Girlfriend Monkeys Catching Other Guys Kicking Calories Your Girlfriend Midget

Author:Dave Attell

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.”

Giving Looks Humor Funny Lines Fine Window Ems Illegal Hints Fine Lines

Author:Dave Attell

“Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!”

Humor Funny Crazy Sheets Bracelet

Author:Dave Attell

“My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.”

Humor Funny Baby Couple Cousin Bucks My Cousin

Author:Dave Attell

“I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.”

Way Humor Funny Used Drug

Author:Dave Attell

“I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.”

Different Stories Humor Funny Reading My Own Gay Sitting Magazines Stations Bus Magician Own Business Minding My Own Business

Author:Dave Attell

“So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.”

Way Humor Funny Style Drunk

Author:Dave Attell

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

Thinking Knows Humor Funny Three Causes Voice Talking Gay Sorry Ass Do You Know One Time I'm Sorry Three Times Sandwiches Dave Being Gay Homophobic Cucumbers Voices In My Head

Author:Dave Attell

“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.”

“You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Mother Fun Talking

Author:Dave Attell

“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

Knows Men Should Ends Humor Funny Drink Pants Bail Jack Daniels Wild Man

Author:Dave Attell

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

Wells Stories Humor Funny Guy Land Mines Arms Legs Snow Teeth Bottles Whiskey Taffy

Author:Dave Attell

“When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.”

Firsts Humor Funny Saws Ran Rhinos

Author:Dave Attell

“Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.”

I Can Humor Funny Fantasy Mines Kicks Throat Jessica

Author:Dave Attell

“If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Littles Humor Funny Jesus Baby Reactions Pants Porsche Baby Jesus

Author:Dave Attell

“Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?”

Humor Funny Stupid Shooting

Author:Dave Attell

“Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.”

Humor Funny Relationship Funny Relationship

Author:Dave Attell

“There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.”

Stories Humor Funny Night Party Heard Scene Late Research Towns Drinking Very Good Checks Good Story Late Night Good Drinking Syracuse Good Party

Author:Dave Attell

“If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.”

Ifs Want Giving Humor Kids Funny Names Causes Likes Santa Pizza Pussy

Author:Dave Attell

“Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.”

Humor Funny Lines Fine Get Away Fine Lines Cuddling

Author:Dave Attell

“Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.”

Kind Humor Funny Boys Laughter Heavy Breathing Pointing Deaf Mute

Author:Dave Attell

“Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."”

Humor Funny Term Happened Fancy Mature Ejaculation

Author:Dave Attell

“Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.”

Thinking Humor Funny Remember Young Grows Growing Up Dad Drunk Remember When Father Son Your Dad Capes

Author:Dave Attell

“So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.”

Humor Funny Used Hate Causes Dad Beats I Hate My Dad Globes

Author:Dave Attell

“Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"”

Thinking Wells Humor Funny Sex Hell Murder Damn Funny Relationship Funny Sex

Author:Dave Attell

“Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.”

Men Needs Sometimes Humor Funny Beautiful Young Sex Young Man Confused Cigarette Beautiful Women

Author:Dave Attell

“I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.”

Knows Needs Funny Watches Television Discovery Girlfriend

Author:Dave Attell

“The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"”

Knows Moments Facts Running Funny Waiting Chance Watches Four Sea Television Discovery Meetings Odd Running Away Hello Did You Know Nipples Otters Ticklish

Author:Dave Attell

About the Author

Born: January 18, 1965
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 96

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