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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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Famous David Letterman Quotes

“I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.”

Want I Can Facts Decided Vote Democrat Voting Shepherds German Shepherds

Author:David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?”

Want Giving Country Guy Social Half Millions Advice Security Bills Dollars Financial Ran Social Security Qualified Million Dollars Newts Dollar Bills Financial Advice

Author:David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.”

Men Want Needs Children Law Century He Man Labor Gentleman 18th Century Ladies And Gentlemen Newts Child Labor Labor Laws

Author:David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.”

Want Firsts Wells Moon Divorced Colony Newts

Author:David Letterman

“It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

Ifs Want Country Guy Turns President Interesting Office Former Motivated Speakers Motivational Speakers

Author:David Letterman

“President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal.”

Knows Want Different Ends Whole Care Asks President Deals Military Policy Yeah Don't Care Confused President Obama

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.”

Want Trying Hard America White Poor Rich Wealthy Romney Caucasian

Author:David Letterman

“There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

Want Facts Governors Turkeys Shortage Pipeline Gallons Gravy Christie

Author:David Letterman

“A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

Thinking Knows Want Stills Wanted Lasts Example Evidence Threat Folks Iraq France Paris Flags Last Time

Author:David Letterman

“I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.”

Want Mean War Together Lasts Night Stars Deals Sweet Members Absolutes Cult Last Night Best Birthday

Author:David Letterman

“But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

Thinking Want Believe Lasts House I Believe President White Dog Pounds White House Admirable Stray Dogs

Author:David Letterman

“Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?”

Want Wells Kids Today President Week Position Tvs Couple Busy Barack Idols Drs Surgeons Cabinets President Barack Obama American Idol

Author:David Letterman

“Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.”

Ifs Want Needs Home Names New York Towns Addresses Suspicious Visitors Clerks

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.”

Ifs Want Kind Home New York Police Souvenirs One Of A Kind

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.”

Want States President Pay Taxes Blue Code President Bush Simplify

Author:David Letterman

“I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.”

Want Faces Morning Son Excited My Son Assistants Christmas Morning

Author:David Letterman

“Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

Want Made Running President Talking Trump Killing Suspense Fake Announcements

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

People Want Giving Said Games Cities New York Sick Tired Fingers Hey New York City Yankees Gigs Mayors Pals Booing

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

Way Want Believe Wells Shows Night Forget Cities Too Much New York Produce Late New York City Garbage Mayors Talk Shows Late Night

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.”

People Ifs Want Speak Listening Cost Iowa

Author:David Letterman

“Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.”

Want Said Leader Election Checks Our Family Minorities More Time Senate

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.”

Ifs Want Littles Cities New York New York City Riding Mayors Subway Weasels Ferrets

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at [email protected].”

Ifs Want Use Secret Watches Accounts Clinton Contact Apples Hook Email Apple Watch

Author:David Letterman

“Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.”

Want Use Cities New York Cold Republican New York City Soup Pipeline Keystones Keystone Pipeline

Author:David Letterman

“I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.”

Want Mind Shows Comedian Host Arrogant Accused Talk Shows Pompous Showbiz Being Accused

Author:David Letterman

“John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.”

Want Names President Leader President Bush Want Him John Kerry

Author:David Letterman

“Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?”

Want Guy Wonder Mary Bloody John Kerry Mustache Endorsements Endorsing Ted Kennedy Bloody Mary

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.”

People Knows Want Mean President Space Moon Drinking Stations Mars President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.”

Want Made Bigs Lasts Night President Deals Decided Presses Prime Idols Foxes Conferences Last Night Big Deal President Bush One Night American Idol Press Conferences Prime Time

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.”

Knows Want Wells President Perfect Congress Excited Testimony Looking Forward President Bush Rice

Author:David Letterman

“Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.”

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

Related Topics

President Ifs Thinking Knows Guy New York Said Today Years Cities People New York City Shows Want Wells Clinton Funny Romney Running House

Popular Topics

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Books & Sources

Late night with David Letterman: the bookRelated source material

Late Night Top Ten ListsRelated source material

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