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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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Famous David Letterman Quotes

“The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.”

People Thinking Country Reason Might Care America Hate Pay Vote Democrat Fishes Don't Care Oil Billions Upset Voting Other Countries Drills Beetles Gophers

Author:David Letterman

“Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China”

People Made Products China Celebrate Buying Holiday Labour Going Out Great American Labour Day Made In China

Author:David Letterman

“You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'”

People Ifs Knows Cases Newton Newts Mittens

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

People Mean Said Poor Millions Concerned Romney

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'”

People Wells Said America Fire Heard Middle Messages Romney Middle America

Author:David Letterman

“Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.”

People World Humor Funny Moving Interesting Cities Psychology New York Higher Currents New York City Journal Percentages Surveys Abnormal Cities In The World Abnormal Psychology

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin.”

People Years Said Happens Remember President Couple Speech Years Ago Vices Combination Vice President Delivering Mccain Palin

Author:David Letterman

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

People Kind Found President Angry British Upset President Obama Weekend Ceo Yacht Petroleum

Author:David Letterman

“Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

People Knows May Said Law Mother Guy Enemy Okay Sake Careful Barack Be Careful This Guy In-laws Taliban Negotiating Mother In Law

Author:David Letterman

“New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.”

People World Moving Numbers Cities Comedy New York New York City New Yorkers City Life Great Cities Cities In The World New You Old New York

Author:David Letterman

“Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.”

People Funny Found Water Comedy Land Travel

Author:David Letterman

“According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.”

People Dies Wish Differences Married Divorced Surveys

Author:David Letterman

“I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

People Two Whole Wish Black Pieces Design Wall Picks Phones Old Fashioned Iphone One Piece Plugs

Author:David Letterman

“At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.”

People Waiting Lines Stores Apples Iphone Waiting In Line

Author:David Letterman

“There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.”

People Two Cities New York Brother Flight Boards New York City Airplane Cleveland Wright Brothers

Author:David Letterman

“When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'”

People Said Shows Chance Prayer Half Response Other Half

Author:David Letterman

“A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.”

People Thinking Jobs Foundation Clinton Retiring

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

People Want Giving Said Games Cities New York Sick Tired Fingers Hey New York City Yankees Gigs Mayors Pals Booing

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.”

People Ifs Want Speak Listening Cost Iowa

Author:David Letterman

“The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'”

People Ifs Sometimes Team Driving Email Vans Bumper Sticker Bumper Sticker Gags Deleting

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.”

People Knows Clinton Driving Vans Iowa

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

People Persons Jobs Minutes Ordinary Meetings Clinton Spending Waking Ordinary People Iowa Ordinary Person

Author:David Letterman

“Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.”

People Today Audience Taxes Folks Tax Day Refunds

Author:David Letterman

“People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.”

People Needs States United United States Royalty

Author:David Letterman

“How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.”

People Lasts Night Saws Havens Speech Trials Last Night

Author:David Letterman

“Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

People Thinking Way Feels Trying Shows Kids Television Television Shows

Author:David Letterman

“I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.”

People Thinking Mind Littles Walks Laughing Comedy Tools Props Make You Laugh Stand Up Comedy Respect People

Author:David Letterman

“Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

People Stills Shows Bigs Church Interesting Crisis Lays Kicks Officials Collections Weekend Plates Scandal Showing Up Enron Enron Scandal

Author:David Letterman

“The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

People Politics Community Leadership Class Comedy Human Nature Gay Equal Ethics Human Rights Individuality Ideology Equal Rights Mayors Torches Gay People Partisanship Sochi

Author:David Letterman

“And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

People Use Bigs Courses Summer Ruins Beach Blanket Washing

Author:David Letterman

“John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.”

People Needs Mind Guy Goal Four Wife Suicide Proof Als Afghanistan Old People This Guy Al Qaeda Walkers Bombers Suicide Bombers

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.”

People Knows Want Mean President Space Moon Drinking Stations Mars President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“Do good things for other people.”

People Good Things

Author:David Letterman

“People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”

People Inspirational Two Guy Saws Radio Stranger Engines Tire Other Guys New Yorkers Cab

Author:David Letterman

“USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.”

People Today Funny Science Three Fun Four Population Math Mathematical Usa Statistics Surveys Market Research

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

Related Topics

President Ifs Thinking Knows Guy New York Said Today Years Cities People New York City Shows Want Wells Clinton Funny Romney Running House

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Books & Sources

Late night with David Letterman: the bookRelated source material

Late Night Top Ten ListsRelated source material

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