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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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All President Ifs Thinking Knows Guy New York Said Today Years Cities People New York City Shows Want Wells Clinton Funny Romney Running House

Famous David Letterman Quotes

“Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun”

Wells Matter Facts Today Fighting President Sun News Yeah Committed Global Warming Troops Good News President Bush Bud Matter Of Fact Buckles

Author:David Letterman

“Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

Wells Running President Palin

Author:David Letterman

“They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.”

Wells I Can Can Do Romney Momentum Furious

Author:David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.”

Want Firsts Wells Moon Divorced Colony Newts

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'”

People Wells Said America Fire Heard Middle Messages Romney Middle America

Author:David Letterman

“Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.”

Ifs Wells Has Beens House White Security White House Breach

Author:David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.”

Wells Sex Newts

Author:David Letterman

“Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos'.”

Knows Wells Would Be Let Me Presses Campaigns Conferences Press Conferences

Author:David Letterman

“Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?”

Want Wells Kids Today President Week Position Tvs Couple Busy Barack Idols Drs Surgeons Cabinets President Barack Obama American Idol

Author:David Letterman

“I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'”

Wells Shows Today Mom My Mom Tonight

Author:David Letterman

“Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?”

Wells Running Cities New York Television Illegal New York City Weasels Vipers Jackals Dingoes

Author:David Letterman

“You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.”

Thinking Knows Wells Stills Politics Cities Week Election Als Council Gore Ballots Pennsylvania City Council

Author:David Letterman

“Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.”

“Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.”

Wells Running President Wife Fine Program Bills Clinton Former Tonight Right Place Limelight President Bill Clinton

Author:David Letterman

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.”

World Wells May Said Ends States Running President United United States Laughing Trump Sick Tired

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

Way Want Believe Wells Shows Night Forget Cities Too Much New York Produce Late New York City Garbage Mayors Talk Shows Late Night

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.”

Needs Wells Care Running President Don't Care I Don't Care Retiring Hobbies Romney

Author:David Letterman

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

Ifs Wells Country Use Funny Winning Gold Cash Olympics Medal Gold Medals European Countries London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

Wells Said Reason Courses House White Watches Television Clinton White House Satellites

Author:David Letterman

“Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.”

Knows Years Firsts Wells Sleep One Thing Heard Eight Candidates Sleepy Broncos

Author:David Letterman

“Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.”

Wells Evil Remains Lays Ceo Elusive Enron Kenneth Mastermind

Author:David Letterman

“John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.”

Wells Heart Three Four Campaigns Hunting Ducks Hunts Purple Pledge John Kerry Duck Hunting Purple Heart

Author:David Letterman

“Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

Knows Wells States Education Comedy Trump Decided University Speakers Attorney Commencement

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.”

Knows Want Wells President Perfect Congress Excited Testimony Looking Forward President Bush Rice

Author:David Letterman

“I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.”

“Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.”

Ifs Thinking Years Wells Might Kids Six Chickens Packs Mcdonalds Kentucky Steroid Fried Chicken Pepsi Six Packs

Author:David Letterman

“Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.”

Thinking Way Wells Different Together Taken Different Ways Explosions Back Together

Author:David Letterman

“Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

Wells Said Shows Today Information Claims Presses Ministers Conferences Press Conferences

Author:David Letterman

“Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.”

Wells Looks Done Down And Congress Online Gambling Massive Investigation North Korea Korean North Korean

Author:David Letterman

“During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!”

Knows Wells Class Thirds Debate Chiefs Noses Grades Commanders Palin Commander In Chief Third Grade Shout Out

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

Thinking Needs Wells Doe Said War President Hell Appreciate Voters Approval President Bush American Voters

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

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Late night with David Letterman: the bookRelated source material

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