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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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Famous David Letterman Quotes

“Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

Trying Shows Interesting Please Empty Suits Tonight Guests Romney Nbc Trying To Please Everyone

Author:David Letterman

“Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected.”

Ifs Thinking Book States Shows Hands President United Powerful Common United States Former Governors Promoting Qualified Very Powerful Alaska Palin Powerful Women New Books

Author:David Letterman

“Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.”

Knows Years Facts Shows Bigs Courses House President White Five Dinner Five Years Tonight White House Do You Know President Obama Weekend

Author:David Letterman

“I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'”

Wells Shows Today Mom My Mom Tonight

Author:David Letterman

“Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.”

Thinking Men Shows Bigs Trump Tonight Pounds Cologne

Author:David Letterman

“The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.”

Ifs Made Shows Sex Stuff Response Embarrassing Creepy

Author:David Letterman

“Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.”

Thinking Shows Able Remember Found Upset Remember When Santa Santa Claus

Author:David Letterman

“Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.”

Said Shows Today Numbers Minutes Genius Laughter Work Out Eight Ran

Author:David Letterman

“I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'”

Looks Shows Honest Being Honest Tonight

Author:David Letterman

“My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.”

Shows Next White Months Good Friend Tigers Show Business Palaces Debut

Author:David Letterman

“When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'”

People Said Shows Chance Prayer Half Response Other Half

Author:David Letterman

“Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'”

Shows Television Program Back When Hottest

Author:David Letterman

“Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.”

Shows Tomorrow Rain Labor Finals Delay Labor Day

Author:David Letterman

“Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'”

Shows Next Week Bills Tonight Next Week Prostate

Author:David Letterman

“Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno.”

Shows Boys Worry Plans Productions Sunshine Show Business

Author:David Letterman

“Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

Way Want Believe Wells Shows Night Forget Cities Too Much New York Produce Late New York City Garbage Mayors Talk Shows Late Night

Author:David Letterman

“It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.”

Knows Stills Two Shows Loss Taxes Late Two Days

Author:David Letterman

“Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.”

Years Shows Next Secret Cities Car New York Models Agents Tonight New York City Next Year Secret Service

Author:David Letterman

“Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?”

Thinking Humans Shows Problem Bigs President Rights Trouble Crazy Human Rights China Chinese President Obama Stink Gum Chewing Chewing Gum Causing Trouble

Author:David Letterman

“A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

Shows Night Numbers Cities Issues New York Late California New York City Propositions Ceilings Ballots Talk Shows Late Night Guacamole

Author:David Letterman

“Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.”

Ideas Shows Waiting Sound Streets Minutes Wall Claims Critics Going To Work Nothing New Old Ideas

Author:David Letterman

“Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

People Thinking Way Feels Trying Shows Kids Television Television Shows

Author:David Letterman

“I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.”

Ifs Years Enough Shows Jobs Fun Quitting Glad Beer Hung Do The Best Consumed I Quit

Author:David Letterman

“I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.”

Want Mind Shows Comedian Host Arrogant Accused Talk Shows Pompous Showbiz Being Accused

Author:David Letterman

“Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

People Stills Shows Bigs Church Interesting Crisis Lays Kicks Officials Collections Weekend Plates Scandal Showing Up Enron Enron Scandal

Author:David Letterman

“The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.”

Thinking Mean Shows Guy Insane Governors This Guy Polls Cruz Schwarzenegger Lieutenants

Author:David Letterman

“I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

Shows Today Cities New York News Disappointment Thanks New York City Good News Alex

Author:David Letterman

“The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.”

Shows Dog Drink Winner Toilets Champagne Westminster

Author:David Letterman

“Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

Wells Said Shows Today Information Claims Presses Ministers Conferences Press Conferences

Author:David Letterman

“You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

World Shows Guy Differences Watches Tvs Huge Folks Observation This Guy Miraculous Palin Fey

Author:David Letterman

“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

Shows Funny Humorous Dance Witty Host Talk Shows Fidgeting

Author:David Letterman

“There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”

Shows Business Show Business Accounting Funny Business Office Work

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

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Books & Sources

Late night with David Letterman: the bookRelated source material

Late Night Top Ten ListsRelated source material

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