“People cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn't begin to describe the ways that people let each other down.” PeopleWayYearsDifferentEmotionalHundredIntimacyIndifferenceDifferent WaysCheatingNeglectContemptCheatRefusalLack Of Respect Author:Esther Perel
“The meaning of secrecy is very different when the model of love is one of transparency. So to understand the politics of secrecy and revelation, you need to understand the larger culture in which the couple lives and also the culture of the couple itself. What does intimacy mean to them? Where does the couple draw the line between togetherness and separateness? That's what informs you. You always ask, "What would happen if I tell? What would happen if I don't tell?" Sometimes, the partner doesn't want to know.” MeanDifferentSometimesCultureLove IsCoupleIntimacyRevelationsSecrecyTogethernessTransparency Author:Esther Perel
“Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find "the one" and that if you have everything that you need at home, you have no reason to go looking elsewhere. And if you have an affair, it's a symptom of a flawed relationship. If you don't apply the deficiency model to the relationship, then you apply it to the person. The person who strays is selfish, immature, addicted suffers from insecure attachment. And the person who doesn't stray is the committed partner: mature, stable, and non-selfish.” DifferentReasonHomeSufferingModernAffairCommittedSelfishMatureElsewhereInfidelityInsecureFlawedImmature Author:Esther Perel
“People grow up learning to be silent about their sexuality, so where are they going to learn to talk about it when they are in a relationship? Shame, guilt, ignorance, reservation, prudishness, all kinds of different cultural systems and social stereotypes shroud sexuality in secrecy and in silence. And there's the romantic notion. "If I say in the beginning, that I am missing something, you are instantly going to think that means you are not enough."” PeopleThinkingKindMeanDifferentEnoughSilenceGrowing UpMissingIgnoranceShameGuiltSilentSexualityAll KindsStereotypeSecrecy Author:Esther Perel
“One of the big misconceptions is that affairs or trysts are flings about sex. And sometimes they are, but much more often they are about desire. And that is very different. The desire to feel special, to feel seen, to feel appreciated, to be laughed at or with. The desire to be desired. That does not manifest in a sexual act per se. Affairs make you feel alive. Alchemy means it's not about the actual sex, but the sexuality, the energy, the aura. It's the imagination and anticipation of it as much or instead of the actual experience of it.” MeanDifferentSometimesDesireEnergyImaginationSpecialAffairSexualityManifestAnticipationAppreciatedAlchemyMisconceptionFling Author:Esther Perel
“Secrecy fuels erotic intensity because it makes you feel like you're doing something that is entirely yours. It gives you the sense of autonomy, the sense of freedom, and the sense of sovereignty. And then you add to that the sexual energy. In many affairs, people will tell you they slept with the person three or four times, but the story went on for months. That's an important thing because many people who have affairs often have very good sexual relationships at home. It's not necessarily a compensation story. But affairs offer a different sexuality with a different context.” PeopleGivingImportantDifferentHomeEnergyLike YouVery GoodAffairSexualitySovereigntyAutonomySecrecyCompensation Author:Esther Perel
