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James Lileks

James Lileks Books

Journalist

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“What's the deal with putting animal feet on tubs? It's like insisting that all pianos should have tails, or dinner tables should have scrotal sacs. One of the things we like about tubs is their immobility, their general disinclination to bolt out of the room, scramble down the stairs, and make for the woods in a blind feral panic.”

Interior DesignBath TubsScrotal Sacs
Book:Interior Desecrations: Hideous Homes from the Horrible '70s
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“The al-Qaida cell broken up near Buffalo, N.Y., contains some citizens who also found themselves in Afghanistan, training for the Great All-Around Satan Smiting. Treason? Oh, of course not. They were on a religious pilgrimage and got lost. Happens all the time. I knew a kid who went to Lutheran Bible Camp and turned up six years later in a Christian Identity compound with a shaved head and a Hitler mustache.”

YearsHappensKidsChristianCoursesFoundLostReligiousIdentityBrokenCitizensSixTrainingCellsSatanAlsCampsAfghanistanCompoundsTreasonPilgrimageMustacheBuffaloBroken UpLutheransShaved Head
Author:James Lileks
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“The (campaign) ads all have the same tone - the voice is hushed and amazed when talking about The Enemy, as if you should worry how this amoral, power-mad, extremist puppy-strangler clawed his way out of hell and landed in your district. And the voice is happy and relieved when talking about The Most Noble Candidate, as though he's Santa, Will Rogers and Lincoln all rolled into one.”

IfsWayShouldVoiceTalkingEnemyWorryHellMadNobleCampaignsToneCandidatesAdsAmazedSantaPuppyExtremistRogerRelievedCampaign Ads
Author:James Lileks
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“The not-quite-sort-of lie works here too - often an ad will announce that "Congressman Johnson voted for a bill that gave tax breaks to companies like Enron." True - although the bill allowed all companies to accelerate depreciation of copying machines. Yes, Enron benefited, but Enron also benefited from the revolution of the Earth around the sun. Hardly an argument to freeze the planet in one spot.”

EarthLyingCompanyBreakSunPlanetsRevolutionTaxesArgumentMachinesBillsSpotsAdsJohnsonFreezeCongressmanCopyingAccelerateTax BreaksEnronDepreciation
Author:James Lileks
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“If the "rich" were swarming into poor neighborhoods and beating the poor until they coughed up the dimes they swallowed for safekeeping, yes, this would be a transfer of income from the poor to the rich. But allowing taxpayers to keep more of their money does not qualify as taking it from the poor - unless you believe that the poor have a moral claim to the money other people earn.”

PeopleIfsBelieveDoeWould BePoorMoralRichClaimsIncomeNeighborhoodAllowingTaxpayersTransfersDimesPoor Neighborhoods
Author:James Lileks
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“When liberal celebs stammer out a litany of shopworn bleats about the administration's attempt to turn America into a theocratic prison state, people can't help but notice that these buskers and mummers seem unmoved by the horrors of actual prison states. (Saddam commissioned a copy of the Quran written in his own blood - but John Ashcroft is the real religious nut, don't you know.)”

PeopleKnowsRealStatesHelpingSeemsAmericaTurnsReligiousWrittenBloodHorrorPrisonAdministrationCopiesNutsSaddamQuranCelebs
Author:James Lileks
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“What unnerves so many liberals about talk radio? Simple: It's the unapologetic nature of the conversation, the unwavering sense of certainty. Where's the nuance? The shades of gray? We all know truth is a fragile butterfly dancing in and out of shadow and light, and these guys act as though truth is a rhino charging across a sunlit veldt.”

KnowsLightGuySimpleTruth IsConversationShadowDancingRadioCertaintyGrayShadeFragileButterflyNuanceChargingUnwaveringTalk RadioUnapologeticShades Of GrayRhinos
Author:James Lileks
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“You can imagine what the advisers are telling Junior Assad: "Your statues are much stronger than Saddam's. His were hollow, and bolted in place with inferior metal; yours are solid, and are anchored to a depth of three feet. Let the American tanks come! Their gears will strip and their engines whine in defeat as they attempt to pull down your statues!”

ThreeImagineFeetStrongerDepthDefeatEnginesMetalsInferiorsSaddamStatuesHollowTanksJuniorsGearsAdviserAssad
Author:James Lileks
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“The International Criminal Court, like most international institutions, is a wonderful idea. A noble idea. All it needs to work is planetary government, worldwide democracy and the triumph of reason over tribal loyalties, political doctrines and individual ambition. In other words, it requires that we all live in the world described by the "Star Trek" television shows.”

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Author:James Lileks
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“I regret that after 30 years of writing columns in this market, including ten with this newspaper that I love very much, this local conversation has come to an end. However, I believe that if the newspapers of the country pool their resources, we can send an Arnold-Schwartzenegger-style robot back in time to kill the inventor of the Internet, and then our future will be much brighter.”

IfsWritingYearsBelieveEndsCountryI BelieveStyleRegretInternetTenConversationResourcesIncludingNewspapersLocalsOur FuturePoolRobotsInventorBrighterColumnsI RegretBack In TimeTime To Kill
Author:James Lileks
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“Modern death is a matter of bright rooms and hard machines. Live long enough, and you might be filed away in a nursing home, your history scoured away, your life winnowed down to a few items on the table and some pictures of people who don't come around enough. When you are about to pass on, there is no quiet to attend you: busy fuss and professional zeal strive to bring you back, nail you to the soft cross of the rented bed.”

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Author:James Lileks
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“Wait until France gets a hard shot in the nose. Wait until France reacts with some nasty work. They'll get a golf-clap from the chattering class over here and a you-go-girl from Red America. France could nuke an Algerian terrorist camp and the rest of the world would tut-tut for a day, then ask if the missiles France used were for sale. And of course the answer would be oui.”

IfsWorldHardWould BeAmericaUsedGirlCoursesAsksPoliticsWaitingAnswersClassShotsRedGolfTerroristFranceNosesCampsNastyMissilesNukes
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“There's too much political hay to be made undercutting the war, and the consequences be damned. If they want to defeat the war to defeat Bush, well, noted. If they truly believe that the United States is in the same group as the Nazis, the Soviets and Pol Pot, then they've shown they have no perspective, no judgment, no sense of nuance, shall we say. And the idea that such comparisons might be picked up in the Middle East and broadcast with glee is irrelevant; they're parochial to a fault, and care little for anything beyond their reputation and power in Washington.”

IfsWantBelieveWellsLittlesMadeIdeasWarStatesMightCarePoliticalPoliticsUnitedUnited StatesToo MuchGroupsMiddlePerspectiveJudgmentConsequenceFaultsDefeatEastReputationComparisonPotMiddle EastNaziIrrelevantNuanceGleeHay
Author:James Lileks
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