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Lewis Black

Lewis Black Books

Comedian

Lewis Black is a renowned American comedian known for his sharp wit and incisive humor. Born on August 30, 1948, he has been active in the comedy scene since the 1980s, gaining widespread recognition for his unique style of humor that often tackles social issues and current events with a humorous twist.

Nothing's Sacred

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Me of Little Faith

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Related Quotes

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”

Reality Truth Economy Fire Comedy Taxes Police Broke Budget Public Services

Author:Lewis Black

“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”

Black Stand Up Comedy Stark Raving

Author:Lewis Black

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

Inspirational Comedy Individuality

Book:Me of Little Faith

Source: Me of Little Faith

“It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?”

Giving I Can Waiting Democracy Iraq Civics Textbooks

Author:Lewis Black

“Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!”

Ifs Should School Courses Sex Sports Missing Deserve Harder Olympics Medal Adultery

Author:Lewis Black

“My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.”

Wells Hard Father Edges Abstraction 80s Really Cool

Author:Lewis Black

“I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.”

War Wanted Sides Involved Blame Terror Both Sides War On Terror Incompetent

Author:Lewis Black

“I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.”

Pieces Miserable Equipment Iphone

Author:Lewis Black

“My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.”

Hate Moved Apples

Author:Lewis Black

“The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.”

Interesting Free Will

Author:Lewis Black

“I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.”

Audience Tired Theme Hammers I'm Tired

Author:Lewis Black

“If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.”

Ifs Want Rooms Audience Quiet Tension Abortion Shut Up Spectacular

Author:Lewis Black

“Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."”

Country Done House Meetings Determined Bridges Abortion Civilized Discussing Elude Elude Us

Author:Lewis Black

“How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.”

Long Real Problem Belief Party Experiments

Author:Lewis Black

“I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.”

Knows Feels May I Can Stuff Watches Know How Republican Democrat

Author:Lewis Black

“I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.”

People Thinking Stupidity Insane Optimistic Exhibits Streaks

Author:Lewis Black

“The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.”

Moving Goal Democratic Tortoises

Author:Lewis Black

“I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.”

Thinking Feels Years Important Reason Vote

Author:Lewis Black

“None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.”

People Needs Feels Whole Seems Vote Faults Clinton Collections Clown Disenfranchised

Author:Lewis Black

“I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."”

People Thinking Want Country Seems Able Energy Water Holes Screwed Up Campaigning Solar Energy

Author:Lewis Black

“A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.”

Sometimes Stories Lost Couple Jokes Framework

Author:Lewis Black

“Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.”

People Knows Shows Left Rooms Lucky Canada Frustration Agendas Dealing With People

Author:Lewis Black

“In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.”

People Ifs Different Bits Groups Bitter Canada New Orleans Baggage Dealing With People

Author:Lewis Black

“It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.”

Ifs Should Writing Written

Author:Lewis Black

“I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.”

Writing Hard Stuff Jokes Come Up Comic Odd

Author:Lewis Black

“I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"”

People Want Social Party Networking Social Network Retard

Author:Lewis Black

“I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.”

Ifs Long Parent Support Happened Willing Brother Lucky Long Time Income Broke My Brother Support Me

Author:Lewis Black

“I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.”

I Can Shows Hours Morning Drunk

Author:Lewis Black

“This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.”

People Ifs Needs Trying Believe Worry Hell Gay Understood Jew Worried Abortion Doomed Believe In You Being Gay Stop Worrying

Author:Lewis Black

“The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share.”

People Kind Reason Christian Christianity Share Socialism Do Unto Others

Author:Lewis Black

“There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.”

Thinking Believe Important Ends Whole Christian Individual Christ Talking Groups

Author:Lewis Black

“Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.”

Different Unique Snowflake

Author:Lewis Black

“There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.”

Knows Life Two Real Young Dies Forever Two Things Jerk Live Forever Die Young

Author:Lewis Black

“I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.”

Attention Moved Pay Attention Moved On Drinkers Scotch Vodka Malt I Moved On

Author:Lewis Black

“I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.”

Feels Like You Eating Guinness

Author:Lewis Black

“I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn.”

Way Play Helping Kids My Own Teacher Music Is Awful Piano Good Way Music Love I Love Music Arthritis Piano Teachers

Author:Lewis Black

“I never write anything down. I write onstage.”

Author:Lewis Black

“When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"”

People Writing Wells Book Done Down And Glad Sat Not Interested Writing A Book

Author:Lewis Black

“Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.”

Thinking Reason Political Levels Stupid Obvious Stupidity Comic Staggering

Author:Lewis Black

“I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.”

Ifs I Can Shows Audience Comedy Worst Jokes Clubs Guarantees Guarantees That Comedy Clubs

Author:Lewis Black

“I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.”

People Thinking Knows Giving Believe Courses I Believe Give Me Lifetime

Author:Lewis Black

“We have fossils... We win!”

Religion Winning Fossils

Author:Lewis Black

“I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.”

Humor Wanted Funny Security Materials Sitting Prepared Weather Comic Be Prepared Airports Back When Airport Security

Author:Lewis Black

“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

People Knows Feels Long Humor Funny Rooms Nice Long Time Winner Staring Hotel Quarters Bathroom Toilets Vegas Nice Things Arrivals Hotel Rooms Casinos

Author:Lewis Black

“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”

Enough Humor Funny Rooms Week Missing Lifetime Drank Coke Missing Something Pepsi

Author:Lewis Black

“When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

Men Humor Funny Sound Rooms Horror Chaos Horrible Teeth Repeats Pigs Weeping

Author:Lewis Black

“If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.”

Ifs War Humor Wanted Funny Four Pages Bored

Author:Lewis Black

“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"”

Men Wells Looks Persons Done Humor Funny Havens He Man Taxes Paid Mirrors Court Excuse Trust Me Excuse Me

Author:Lewis Black

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!”

Ifs Knows Needs Wells Humor Today Funny Lying Perfect Conditions Wind Degrees Weather Nonsense Chill Minus

Author:Lewis Black

About the Author

Born: August 30, 1948
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 272

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Nothing's SacredRelated source material

Me of Little FaithRelated source material

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