Quotessence
Home / Authors / Lewis Black
Lewis Black

Lewis Black Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllIfsPeopleFunnyThinkingHumorKnowsWantShouldRepublicanDemocratYearsCountryLongFeelsKidsBelieveTwoStuffEnoughLittles

Famous Lewis Black Quotes

“I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."”

PeopleThinkingWantCountrySeemsAbleEnergyWaterHolesScrewed UpCampaigningSolar Energy
Author:Lewis Black
Create image

“This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.”

PeopleIfsNeedsTryingBelieveWorryHellGayUnderstoodJewWorriedAbortionDoomedBelieve In YouBeing GayStop Worrying
Author:Lewis Black
Create image

“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

PeopleKnowsFeelsLongHumorFunnyRoomsNiceLong TimeWinnerStaringHotelQuartersBathroomToiletsVegasNice ThingsArrivalsHotel RoomsCasinos
Author:Lewis Black
Create image

“Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.”

PeopleLongDoeCareKidsChristianFunnyBeliefDon't CareChristmasAssInsaneBeastShopsHolidayFedsHalloweenUnbelievableSantaCalendars
Author:Lewis Black
Create image