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Quote by Dave Barry

“Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.”

Quote by Dave Barry

Author

Dave Barry is a renowned American humorist, born on July 3, 1947. His works are known for their unique humor style and satirical observations of everyday life. more

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“Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.”

Years Persons Law Fall Realizing Attitude Mets Ocean Late Humorous Concepts Horse Notion Shoes Enormous Islands Camps Protected Site Rats Tents Camping Poop Wild Horses Atlantic Ocean

Author:Dave Barry

“What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, or Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

“Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.”

Ifs Want Giving Doe Care Hours Return Taxes Humorous Dollars Technique Enormous Agents Sweat Mail Documents Accounting Overlooked Irs Tax Returns Armpits Refunds Does He Care

Author:Dave Barry

“Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.”

People Needs Years Doe Saws Teacher Imagine Generations Couple Humorous Management Drinking Folks Glasses Experiments Teeth Grades Nails Coke Beverages Coca Cola Sixth Grade Old Car

Author:Dave Barry

“The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.”

Persons Country Problem Running Form Energy Animal Middle Humorous Scientist Bills Cancer Oil Enormous Department Sand Etc Cows Rats Eastern Laboratory Dinosaurs Raccoons Bulldozers

Author:Dave Barry

“There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.”

Kind Two Home Humorous Active Neighbor Heat Sunlight Passive

Author:Dave Barry

“We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.”

Want Giving Looks Facts Humorous Seasons Holiday Bowls Jelly Jolly Slugs Gift Giving

Author:Dave Barry

“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

Way Years Made Said Millions Fire Groups Minutes Keys Needed Beats Humorous Sitting Discovery Years Ago Stones Rate Woods Hey Heat Lightning Dinosaurs Sitting Around Cavemen Insurance Rate

Author:Dave Barry

“The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.”

Way Hard Humorous Safety Fruit Glasses Pounds Cake Fruitcake

Author:Dave Barry

“The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.”

Want Long Use Form Brain Humorous Ponds Irs

Author:Dave Barry