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Dave Barry

Dave Barry Biography

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“For all I know, some of my close friends could be dead. The only way to find out would be to call them up and talk to them about what's going on in their lives, and I never do that. I think this is true of many guys, even the ones who are not Humor Personalities: we do not view talking about our personal lives as an acceptable activity.”

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Book:Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog
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“The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in "calories," which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none.”

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Book:Dave Barry's guide to life
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“At a national political convention, you have hundreds of people who consider themselves at least as important as the Secretary of Commerce. If it's a Democratic convention, you also have dozens of A-list Hollywood and music celebrities. (If it's a Republican convention, you have Bo Derek.) Also you have swarms of lower-ranking Washington minions with titles like Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff who are trying to move up the ladder to Deputy Associate to the Assistant Acting Deputy Assistant Understudy.”

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Book:I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood
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“We also have a growing population of unwelcome out-of-town wildlife species that have come here and clearly intend to stay. Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming here for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way.”

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Book:I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood
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“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.' This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.”

HumorMoralUnited StatesBuddhismObsessionTemplesReincarnationSenseJapaneseJunioReverendPat RobertsonReligious PeoplePreachinessBuddhistsJapanese Religion
Book:Dave Barry Does Japan
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“To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate.”

IfsNeedsConditionsObjectsWindCostPercentGunEuropeFruitWesternRateArguingBunchCombatTanksGrapesPentagonRigorPurchasingTacticalWestern Europe
Author:Dave Barry
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“... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.”

IfsShouldTryingChildrenHas BeensEnoughStuffObjectsMonthsOughtHumorousOur ChildrenYour ChildrenTiesHolidayBagsShoppingTiedRopeSantaMallsAdvertisementsSanta ClausFrenzyShoppers
Author:Dave Barry
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“All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?”

IfsUseBigsPurposeHouseJusticeDecisionStreetsExampleWallCostTaxesPaperHumorousRainCourtPossessionNewspapersSupremeChiefsCorporationsRelatedWhat IfJournalSupreme CourtBurgersLandmarksBig CorporationsDepreciateWall Street JournalChief JusticeBusiness Related
Author:Dave Barry
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“Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.”

BookNightWalksHalfFindingsHumorousExcellenceStealingExcellentEtcTrendsShoppingDozenCleaning80sBookstoresMallsGraspingSellersRacksPersonnelBest SellersGarfield
Author:Dave Barry
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“Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.”

YearsPersonsLawFallRealizingAttitudeMetsOceanLateHumorousConceptsHorseNotionShoesEnormousIslandsCampsProtectedSiteRatsTentsCampingPoopWild HorsesAtlantic Ocean
Author:Dave Barry
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“Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.”

IfsWantGivingDoeCareHoursReturnTaxesHumorousDollarsTechniqueEnormousAgentsSweatMailDocumentsAccountingOverlookedIrsTax ReturnsArmpitsRefundsDoes He Care
Author:Dave Barry
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“Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.”

IfsShouldBelieveHeartFactsUseHouseOpinionFireSummerHumorousSittingScientistDrinkingContraryHeatRemoveCheerfulAugustRoaringPopular OpinionFireplaces
Book:All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist
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