“Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.” IfsKnowsBelieveWellsHumorFunnyHappenedQuittingBeing TrueRelaxedEmpiricism Author:Bill Bailey
“I believe God did create the world. And I think we're finding out more and more and more as to how it actually happened.” ThinkingWorldBelieveHumorPoliticalI BelieveHappenedFindingsBelieve In GodPolitical Humor Author:George W. Bush
“I knew it might put him in an awkward position that we had a discussion before finality has finally happened in this presidential race.” HumorMightPoliticalRaceHappenedPositionPresidentialDiscussionAwkwardPolitical HumorFinality Author:George W. Bush
“I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university.” TryingHumorPoliticalAcceptingHappenedStudentsCollegeUniversityConvinceRejectsPolitical HumorLabelingCollege StudentsTenants Author:George W. Bush
“A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."” PeopleMenLongEndsStoriesHumorFunnyAttentionHappenedDrugMadExtrasDisorderDeficitAttention SpanAttention Deficit Disorder Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."” IfsKnowsShowsHumorHappensFunnyGuyWinningHappenedAdvertisingChokeAdvertisementsHamburgersCasinos Author:Mitch Hedberg
“My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.” ChildrenMadeTwoHumorEyeFunnyLeftHappenedHusbandCrossesMy SisterWendyVcrFamily Photo Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!” PeopleIfsKnowsTwoHumorSeemsCareFunnyThreeNextNamesWaitingAnswersPartyHappenedMissingCallingYeahBusyListsHungryRestaurants Author:Mitch Hedberg
“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"” YearsI CanHumorCareFunnyRememberImagineHappenedSeedsBlankBuns Author:Mitch Hedberg
“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."” MenFirstsHumorFunnyGuyTurnsNextAsksHappenedHe ManLuckyWindowGlassesCoveredToesLucky YouBandages Author:Frank Carson
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.” PeopleYearsBelieveMadeHomeHumorFunnyWalksDealsWatchesHappenedMomCoupleTerribleYears AgoMy MomListsHolocaustInterventionRabbiHolocaust DeniersSchindlerSchindler's List Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."” MindLittlesTwoDoneHumorFunnyLastsTurnsSawsHappenedFeetMinutesChangedBuildingSuicideCommitJumpingKittenLast MinuteFlippedJumping Off Author:Steven Wright