“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.” DoeStillsHumorHandsFunnyEasyBehindsMilitaryEqualArmyLegsEaseRelaxPartingBrosUptightBehind My Back Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.” MenHumorFunnyTimeBehindsMinutesSmartManagementThroatTime ManagementFifteenScratches Author:Lyndon B. Johnson
“You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes.” PeoplePersonsHumorChristianSoundBornReligiousBehindsCarEternalClothesLeavingCaughtDisappearBelieverDriversRidingCrashEternal LifeAutomobileTrumpetsBorn AgainPhysical Things Author:Jerry Falwell
“I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."” MenKindHumorFunnyBehindsBoysHe ManStoresCigar Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.” HumorFunnyWaitingBehindsBaseballFats Author:Jerry Coleman
“I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.” MenSaidHumorFunnyBehindsCarObjectsCoupleArgumentMirrorsMadStuckHorribleTrafficStuck In Traffic Author:Demetri Martin
“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"” IfsThinkingHumorFunnySexBehindsGirlfriendMy GirlfriendHaving Sex Author:Jimmy Carr
“I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.” HumorFunnyHoursBehindsHalfDoorsLovelyHotelStayingSheetsDressingsRobesSuitcasesFluffy Author:Frank Carson
“I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.” HumorFunnySoundBehindsUglyFlatsSurroundSofasSurround Sound Author:Frankie Boyle
“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.” YearsHumorFunnyCoursesLinesBehindsWeekDollarsPoundsGenesPenniesCollectors Author:Tina Fey
“I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.” TwoHumorFunnyLeftBehindsFinishedTwo ThingsLeft BehindSessionPizza Author:Adam Carolla
“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"” YearsTwoHomeHumorFunnyGirlBehindsBoysSawsFeetSonWalkingYeahSizeMy SonGenesTwelveShut UpGiftedWalking Home Author:Bill Engvall