“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” ShouldHumorFunnyOrderBreakComedySorryConvenienceStairsEscalators Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?” NeedsI CanTwoHumorFunnyCausesBreakMissingYeahBills Author:Mitch Hedberg
“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!” IfsKnowsWayHumorLightWantedFunnyTurnsThreeBreakOppositesMessBrighterBulbsLight BulbThree Ways Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.” IfsKnowsDoeHumorFunnyBreakWorryKnow HowCarDown AndGasBreaking DownTanksCockyWalletsToolboxAka Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.” IfsUseHumorCareFunnyAsksBreakConversationMachinesBathroomNobody Cares Author:Dave Attell
“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."” KnowsShouldI CanTwoHumorFunnyTogetherStuffLosesBreakForeverCuttingRocksFinePaperThirdsDestroyedDamageTake MeBentBreak ThroughBack TogetherDynamiteScissors Author:Demetri Martin
“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.” PeopleIfsMenWantFeelsHumorFunnyStuffBreakPiecesProtectWindowGlassesClubsStealingWheelsCrapSteering Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.” TwoHumorFunnyGirlKnownBreakCasesUglyBagsOver YouBagger Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."” SaidHelpingProblemDreamHumorFunnyBeautifulNightGirlBreakArmsDoctorsYesterdayPushingRushingBeautiful Girl Author:Tommy Cooper
“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.” HumorFunnyBreakPiecesEasierGirlfriendMy GirlfriendChristmas Present Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."” MenTryingSaidMatterHumorFunnyLyingFallBreakBarsPocketsGuttersToffee Author:Chic Murray