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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.”

People Long Humor Funny Secret Century Couple Husband Asking Forgiving My Husband Quarters Long Ago Matrimony Newman Quarter Of A Century

Book:I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

Source: I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!”

Ifs Men Needs Littles Humor Funny Used Hate Missing Like You Couple Draws I Hate Mad Fingers Accidents Stores Turkeys Groceries Messed Up Ham Grocery Stores Fellas Bologna Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.”

Humor Hands Funny Next Hours Position Couple

Author:Bill Bailey

“My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.”

Humor Funny Baby Couple Cousin Bucks My Cousin

Author:Dave Attell

“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'”

Humor Funny Saws Week Streets Couple Ugly Pregnant

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

Men Said Humor Funny Behinds Car Objects Couple Argument Mirrors Mad Stuck Horrible Traffic Stuck In Traffic

Author:Demetri Martin

“You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!”

Knows Important Humor Funny Decision Half Strange Couple Members Lonely Intelligent Sane Organisms Strange Things

Author:Dylan Moran

“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.”

Humor Funny Courses Stuff Animal Week Tvs Fine Couple Wine Hearing Comic Relief Awards Warfare Olympics Monkeys Documentaries Scottish Lodges Comic Relief Dundee

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.”

Knows Humor Funny Lasts Guy Cutting Wife Week Months Couple My Wife No Respect

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.”

Knows Wells Humor Funny Fire Couple Blow Tricks Seconds Candle Factories

Author:Tommy Cooper

“My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”

Humor Funny Night Party Couple Dinner Girlfriend Deaf My Girlfriend Dinner Party Good Fun Charades

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”

“Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.”

Humor Funny Pain Couple Trousers

Author:Noel Fielding

“Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.”

Humor Funny Wish Hours Couple Wish You Walt Epcot

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?”

Men Country Enough Problem Humor Funny Lasts Attention Wonder Week Couple Advertising Breasts Ads Bras

Author:Hugh Grant