“I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed.” KnowsBelieveHumorCoursesAsksJesusChristReligiousBloodStudentsJesus ChristPositive AtheismAsk MeSaviorBin LadenOsama Bin LadenBlood Of Jesus Author:Jerry Falwell
“Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.” HumorKidsSchoolFunnyCoursesSecretSuccessfulComedySixWorshipHigh SchoolScaredUnhappyEnd TimesSpend TimeMe AloneOutcastHumoristsAlone TimeHopes Up Author:Bruce McCall
“Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.” PlayHumorFunnyCoursesCostBaseballSeasons Author:Jerry Coleman
“Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.” HumansHumorFunnyLawUniverseCoursesFailingFunctionDown AndEndeavorCollapseSlow DownGigsPointlessRenderingEntropySlowingOf ContextThermal Author:Bill Bailey
“Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".” WorldHumorFunnyJobsCoursesNextWorryAustralianPsychiatristNo Worries Author:Milton Jones
“I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.” LooksChildrenSelfHumorSchoolFunnyCoursesSidesSelf EsteemBe GoodEsteem Author:Jimmy Carr
“I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.” HumorFunnyCoursesSoundAccents Author:Jimmy Carr
“If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.” IfsIdeasHumorMightFunnyCoursesMealsRedneckBucketsYou Might Be A Redneck IfKfc Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.” IfsSaidTwoHumorEyeFunnyCoursesLinesPicksPhonesDamnBlessPsychicsGod BlessTwo DaysGod Bless You Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.” HumorFunnyCoursesStuffAnimalWeekTvsFineCoupleWineHearingComicReliefAwardsWarfareOlympicsMonkeysDocumentariesScottishLodgesComic ReliefDundee Author:Frankie Boyle
“Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?” PeopleThinkingHumansDifferentHumorMightActionFunnyCoursesNextStepsPlanetsResponseSpeciesReasonableCrapIndicationLiving OnScrewed UpHappy People Author:Marc Maron
“And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!” PeopleGivingYearsHumorFunnyCoursesFatherJesusParentMomSingle Life Author:Robin Williams
“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.” YearsHumorFunnyCoursesLinesBehindsWeekDollarsPoundsGenesPenniesCollectors Author:Tina Fey
“There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.” LooksHumorFunnyCoursesBonesRemoveRelaxed Author:Chic Murray
“My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.” MenHumorFunnyCoursesFatherWishWatchesGoldPostsGenerousDeathbedChequesGenerous ManAberdeen Author:Chic Murray