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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.”

Knows Writing Humor Funny Numbers Dad Letters My Dad Communicate Letter Writing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

Knows Stills I Can Humor Funny Used Know How Fire Dad Summer Mark My Dad Bags Texas Flip Aprons

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.”

Source: The Good Life According to Hemingway

“I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'”

Should Said Humor Funny Faces Dad Should Have Rubbish Hawks Blokes Slayer

Author:Bill Bailey

“My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”

Thinking Has Beens I Can Helping Humor Funny Wish Dying Dad My Dad Better Off Oxygen

Book:Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?

Source: Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?

“My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Humor Funny Asks Given Sex Nice Doors Advice Dad My Dad Upset Mum Secretary Bedroom Bike Best Times Best Advice

Author:Jimmy Carr

“When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.”

Believe Humor Kids Funny Fall Lord Dad My Dad Roller Coaster Coasters Hallelujah Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.”

People Knows Men Humor Funny Reading Laughing Dad My Dad Telephones Make You Laugh

Author:Frankie Boyle

“My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.”

Humor Funny Half Dad Exciting My Dad Manic Depressive

Author:Marc Maron

“I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.”

Said Sometimes Humor Kids Funny Dad Raises Moved Dollars My Dad Spokes My Sister

Author:Adam Carolla

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."”

Should Said Humor Funny Parent Realizing Technology Dad Mets Computer My Dad Programmers Computer Programmers

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!”

Ifs Wells Humor Kids Funny Levels Minutes Dad Easier Fifty Your Dad

Author:Russell Howard