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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.”

Ifs Humor Funny Jobs House Program Drivers Desirable You Might Be A Redneck If Beer Drinking Beer Drinkers Wrong Job

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes.”

“Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel.”

World Humor Christian Religious Car Caught Driven Believer Wheels Drivers Highways Starks Pandemonium

Author:Jerry Falwell

“My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit”

Humor Funny Lasts Guy Wife Shoes My Wife Pairs Drivers Deer Zoos Pair Of Shoes Dashboards

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.”

Humor Funny Drivers Backwards Cab Cab Drivers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."”

Hard Humor Funny Fun Pay New York Destination Drivers Tourists Hitchhiking

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?”

Long Ends Humor Funny Train Miles Drivers Metals Lightning Bolts Conductor Lightning Bolts

Author:Bo Burnham

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

Knows Said Humor Action Funny House Hey Drivers Take Me Cab No Respect Business Trips

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

Humor Funny Used Four Fronts Lessons Tests Seats Drivers

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?”

Mind Wells Said Humor Funny Saws Murder Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tim Vine

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

Humor Funny Restaurants Drivers Volkswagens

Author:Tim Vine

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Want Said Humor Funny Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.”

Mind Humor Funny Lasts Father Lost Hurt Wall Summer Coaches Hills Kicks Drivers Bricks Halfway Flew Brick Wall Last Summer Presence Of Mind Halfway There

Author:Chic Murray

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."”

People Ifs Humor Might Able Funny Lasts Example Drink Newspapers Drunk Hey Titles Holiday Drivers Articles Drank Making Up Walkers

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories