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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.”

Way Humor School Funny Father Morning Feet Shoes Snow Clock Every Morning

Author:Bill Cosby

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!”

Ifs Humor Funny Sports Feet Yeah Athlete

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.”

Humor Funny Taken Feet Baseball Shoes

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.”

Feels Humor Funny Feet Right Now Concerned Feet On The Ground

Author:Bo Belinsky

“One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.”

Humor Funny Space Feet Adultery

Author:Robert Benchley

“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"”

Years Two Home Humor Funny Girl Behinds Boys Saws Feet Son Walking Yeah Size My Son Genes Twelve Shut Up Gifted Walking Home

Author:Bill Engvall

“A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.”

Humor Funny Three Fire Feet Caught Flames Village Miniatures

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.”

Humor Funny Used Feet Luck Toes Monkeys Rabbits Camels Paws

Author:Kristen Schaal