“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.” DoeStillsHumorHandsFunnyEasyBehindsMilitaryEqualArmyLegsEaseRelaxPartingBrosUptightBehind My Back Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” IfsSaidHumorRunningFunnyMovingGuyMy OwnFireComedyLegsBlockGamblingThis GuyExitOwn BusinessCasinosMind Your Own BusinessMinding My Own Business Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.” IfsLooksHumorFunnyGrowsLegsHeyPlusFarmsAntsFellasSnowmanCelery Author:Mitch Hedberg
“It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.” HumorFunnyLeftFieldsBaseballLegsLeft Field Author:Jerry Coleman
“When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.” WantTryingStillsHumorFunnyLegsBeachGrandchildrenVeinsPillsMy Grandchildren Author:Phyllis Diller
“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.” LittlesWholeHumorFunnyOrderThreeBitsLittle BitPhilosophicalRemainsLegsEightPityBitterConfusedHuntingSpidersPreyConvincingSquirrelsVenomUkrainianSamaritans Author:Bill Bailey
“Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"” HumorFunnyMorningMetsFolksLegsHonestlyBusOffenceBlokesBus Stops Author:Billy Connolly
“I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!” TwoWarHumorFunnyLegsShootingCall Me Author:Chris Rock
“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."” WellsStoriesHumorFunnyGuyLandMinesArmsLegsSnowTeethBottlesWhiskeyTaffy Author:Dave Attell
“Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.” ThinkingHumorFunnyLegsRetiredBlanketOld LadyMermaidWheelchairs Author:Milton Jones
“What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.” HumorFunnyDifferencesLegsPoodlesRottweilers Author:Frank Carson
“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"” KnowsMenFeelsI CanHumorFunnySeriousArmsDoctorsRoundsLegsAccidentsHospitals Author:Tommy Cooper
“The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.” LongHas BeensTwoHumorFunnyLegsShouldersBoatSilverEggs Author:Chic Murray
“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."” SaidHumorFunnyCasesLegsDucksLambsButchersScotch Author:Chic Murray
“My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!” HumorFunnyTiredLegsSparks Author:Katt Williams
“I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.” HeartHumorFunnyMy HeartLegsSleevesLiverSassyHeart On My Sleeve Author:Steven Wright