“I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.” IfsWantI CanHumorFunnyThreeHouseLeftPracticeApplesRoutineScrewsScrew UpsJugglers Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"” ThinkingNeedsSaidHumorFunnyGuyScriptsLikesCopiesScrews Author:Mitch Hedberg
“My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.” LongHumorFunnyNamesGirlfriendSpellsNow And ThenScrewsMy GirlfriendScrew UpsNew GirlfriendOld Girlfriend Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."” SaidHumorFunnyMy FriendsRestaurantsSaltScrewsScrew You Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"” ThinkingSaidShowsHumorBigsFunnyCompanyCuttingBallsIntentionTennisEmsThey SaidScrewsPotatoesInitialsRubberLaid BackTennis BallsPringles Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.” TwoEndsHumorFunnyPartyYeahShopsStationsScrewsSandwichesSubwayTwo Days Author:Chelsea Handler
“How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!” DoeTwoHumorLightFunnyFourEightScrewsBulbsLight Bulb Author:Bill Bailey
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.” IfsEnoughPhilosophyFactsHumorSchoolFunnyRememberForgetStudyScrewsForget ItRest Of Your LifeGeologyScrew You Author:Steve Martin