“According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.” KnowsHumorCareFunnyAmericaCitiesToo MuchNew YorkBeatsTwentiesDon't CareFifthPlaces To LiveBest PlacePittsburghCaring Too Much Author:David Letterman
“I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.” PeopleThinkingMindSometimesHumorFunnyTalkingToo MuchShut UpBlah Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"” PeopleHumorFunnyPastHateSidesToo MuchNew YorkI HateYeahBreadMeatCowsSandwichesCrackersPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.” HumorFunnyMy OwnToo MuchCuttingHairSickComing OutBarbers Author:Robert Frost
“I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."” ShouldSaidHumorAbleFunnyToo MuchSwimmingSoupWaitress Author:Frank Carson
“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."” LooksReasonHumorFunnyHouseEnergyRealizingWatchesToo MuchLike YouRight NowPicksLettersConnectionsNeighborLazyNo ReasonFinding YourselfHostMailBeing LazyLove Connection Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."” HumorFunnyCausesToo MuchLowsBlueWingsExcuseMealsExtrasCheeseBuffaloAppetizersToo Much FunBlue Cheese Author:Jim Gaffigan