“Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.” HumorFunnyUsedEffortProgressModernDrinkUsed To BeContinuingModern Life Author:Bill Vaughan
“Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.” StillsHumorTodayFunnyUsedClassDoorsSpecialHandleUsed To BeOccasionsWorking ClassRulingReservedSpecial OccasionLimousines Author:Erma Bombeck
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.” HumorFunnyRememberUsedComedyHotYeahUsed To Be Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.” KnowsHumorFunnyYoungUsedBaseballUsed To Be Author:Jerry Coleman
“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.” HumorFunnyAmericaUsedNamesLostCarEdgesProofUsed To BeFuryHawksMustangCougarsHornets Author:George Carlin
“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!” PeopleIfsKnowsWantWellsHumorEyeFunnyMovingUsedPayAttentionObviousUsed To BePay AttentionBreastsWhy NotDepressingRoutesImplantsNipples Author:Dylan Moran
“I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.” ThinkingWantNeedsFeelsHumorFunnyUsedFeltLetting GoFeel GoodUsed To BeDesperateApproval Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.” HumorFunnyUsedClassTeacherUsed To Be Author:Fred Allen
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron